Glimpse In A Mirror

What Am I Really Wanting?

I'm starting to get tired of writing about my own sadness. Late this afternoon, after the shopping was finished and we were planning dinner and the evening, I brought up again my idea for having them hang out at my place and either cook or order dinner. I had mentioned this yesterday, and didn't get any real response. Today, I found out why. They have wanted to spend the evening alone. In theory, I didn't have any problem with this, but I found myself in tears, and holding back the sobs -- trying to avoid being caught expression such strong emotions. I didn't want them to change their plans just because of me... their plans are important. I was just suddenly feeling very left out, very much alone. I just wanted to have one evening where they hung out with me. I just wanted one night of laughter and talking inside my house, my very empty house. I know it isn't too much to ask. And it also isn't too much for me to let go of. It ended up that we went to dinner together, and separated early. I cried on the way home, my heart heavy. I felt like I had sacrificed so much for them this week, not only taking all of the time off work, but driving them everywhere, all day every day, exhausted and paying for my own gas, at that. I drove over 1000 miles, and I still have the long trip to the airport tomorrow. It was the only thing that I really wanted to have happen. And its not the end of the world. But I do feel very disappointed, and alone.

I was just a tool to help them have fun this week. I wasn't an important part of their experience. I see that now. And it makes me feel more alone than ever. I just want to feel like there are people in the world who give a damn whether I live or die, not based on how inconvenient it would be for them either way, but just for me.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why this is so important to me at this time, and why I haven't been bothered by all of this in the many years before. I feel like I've learned a lesson from this trip, that like my sister, my brother is really only concerned about his own life. My life doesn't fit into the formula, not even for a short break like this. I'm not sure what I really want or expect from anyone. I just want a moment in time where I can see and feel that someone cares. Anyone. For a moment. I certainly don't expect to be on his mind while he is going about his own life. What I see now is that he doesn't really extend his world to include me, other than how I might help him, or be of use to him. Maybe that is how everyone really is, and I'm just being naive or extremely selfish to think that someone should care a hoot about me. I don't even think that his lack of interest in me is intentional. I have spent the last few days talking with them and trying to get to know them better, getting a glimpse into their lives, and trying to know who they are. I don't feel that the same effort, or even intention, was made in my direction. In fact, I don't think any effort or intention was made in my direction. I don't know what they have come away from this week with, at least how it touches me. Other than to learn tonight that they expect me to be the babysitter when they come back next time so they can go out on their own in the evenings. Talk about feeling used before it even happens. I'm not going to let that happen.

My heart is on my sleeve, that much I know. I don't really trust my emotions right now, right now being tonight or the last few weeks, actually. I seem to be unusually upset, and fixated on this feeling of being alone. Maybe right now, no one could meet my expectations. Maybe there are people around me who really care, and I'm so off balance that I can't see it or appreciate it, only seeing some exaggerated neediness on my part. My god, I wish I could figure this one out. I'm really stumped by my own reactions and my emotions.

I did something tonight while driving home that really scares me to think about it. I will write more later about this, but I'm wondering what is really happening with me, and who I really want to be. Am I choosing to be this person?