tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30637772012-02-01T08:38:31.105-07:00Reflections on my life.[anonymous]http://www.blogger.com/profile/15472443799429271105noreply@blogger.comBlogger1511100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-88504606289761477022011-10-07T02:14:00.003-07:002011-10-07T02:34:04.666-07:00

It's been an interesting time in my life. In the last month or so, I've broken two teeth, had an extraction, a root canal, and gum surgery on one side of my mouth. Tonight, I either broke another tooth, or lost a filling.I've had a plumber out because there is no hot water in my shower, only to have hot water each time he came.My desktop crashed two nights ago, only to be working fine when it

[anonymous]http://www.blogger.com/profile/15472443799429271105noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-73004414190522979452010-12-19T01:42:00.008-07:002010-12-19T02:20:01.969-07:00

I'm feeling so many things tonight that I feel I need to type my journal entry. There's too much to say to hand write tonight.For the last week, I've been feeling drafty or exposed in my life. Like I'm trying too hard to be heard or appreciated. Like the people I'm reaching out to don't want as much of me as I'm offering. It's such a subtle thing, but I trust my instinct. The primary person is

[anonymous]http://www.blogger.com/profile/15472443799429271105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-74206705806842884542009-09-27T04:33:00.002-07:002009-09-27T04:46:32.297-07:00

Tonight I feel a sort of restlessness that is more than being tired. More than being scattered. Something big is about to break through.Feeling a desire for inspiration, I return to my art blog, nearly six months abandoned, and begin to selectively check out the work from some of my favorite artists. I find myself falling deeper and deeper into this well.Then I find myself on the blog of EB, a

[anonymous]http://www.blogger.com/profile/15472443799429271105noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-37866708638109568082009-09-24T04:06:00.003-07:002009-09-24T04:14:29.912-07:00

I've been putting up a brave face. But tonight I can't avoid the fact that I'm scared to my bones.I've been avoiding anything that would cause me to come face to face with the object of my fear. I've sidestepped things, I've procrastinated, I've even denied it was true. None of those strategies helped me to actually stop being so scared, or helped me to find my courage.Tonight, I faced my fear. I

[anonymous]http://www.blogger.com/profile/15472443799429271105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-26279809101198844312008-12-26T01:19:00.003-07:002008-12-26T01:39:57.679-07:00

I've just had one of those amazing experiences. Something important has shifted and I can't quite explain it. I know for sure it has happened, but it happened on a level where my brain can't quite process it with words. Yet I find myself here, trying to use words, to capture the importance of this moment and this realization.Suddenly, I see glimpses into my recent history with understanding.

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-9185824125395270712008-12-24T04:31:00.002-07:002008-12-24T04:50:39.879-07:00

I'm up at 5 am because I woke up and can't get back to sleep. I'm tired and yawning, but sleep evades me.So much has happened in 2008, even in the last few weeks, that I seem to have no bandwidth to process it. I'm in a very active part of my journey, where time for real reflection isn't available, or so it seems. That does make sense to me. If I think about a physical journey, there are times in

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-81097713506751679882008-12-03T14:49:00.003-07:002008-12-03T15:04:13.232-07:00

I should be working.I should be happy that I have client work.I should be able to shake off this feeling of being out of touch, of being crusty.I should be happy all of the time.I should be productive all of the time.I should sleep at night when I go to bed and not just right before I have to wake up.I should be able to figure out the things that bug me.I should be further long in my ____________

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-20669374836010148582008-10-06T04:58:00.005-07:002008-10-06T05:14:11.342-07:00

I dreamt tonight that I encountered Philip and he did something to me. We were in approximately the same area, we noticed each other, and he seemed to be quite willing to talk. As time wen on, I ended up talking to him face-to-face. He was talking me through something, not exactly on the physical level. I was explaining to him that I didn't start talking to him so he would work with me. At that

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-90982743970022777052008-09-28T06:58:00.003-07:002008-09-28T07:14:08.684-07:00

I woke up this morning and the first thought on my mind was: You need to deal with this. I had dreamt about my situation with TW and the situation is what I need to deal with. I know this. I just don't know what to do.In the middle of the night, I went for a long drive to think about some things. I asked that the wind blowing through the truck would wash away the clouds and confusion so I could

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-30566079025862943152008-09-26T10:11:00.006-07:002008-09-27T06:36:53.371-07:00

My dreams have been quite rich lately, but last night was especially vivid and full of images.I was visiting my mom at the house where I grew up, only it was different from my real home. Mom was working in the yard, working to manage the land. She landscapes and manages it, maybe I should say manicures it, into submission. There was a side of the house with almost an alley that I had never been

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-14905992272107772782008-09-20T03:14:00.003-07:002008-09-20T03:55:46.614-07:00

I'm in that space again. After a few days of feeling more solid, I'm feeling vulnerable and exposed and embarrassed. I'm not even sure what I want to write here. I only know that I feel better when I write it out.I know that something is going on here with my TW friend. I can't seem to contain myself. I want to be known, I want to tell him everything about me. I can't stop myself, the feeling of

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-71005940406083232422008-09-15T04:31:00.002-07:002008-09-15T04:38:05.601-07:00

It's almost 5 am and I still haven't been to sleep. When I went to bed, I found my head was racing with feelings and ideas I want to express, words to make a bridge between me and another person I think has the capacity to understand me. Someone I can pour my heart out, even the parts that are a bit wounded and smarting.I feel that the reason, or perhaps the benefit, of this imaginary

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-10939183828965780272008-09-11T23:38:00.003-07:002008-09-12T00:00:44.715-07:00

I have an angry friend.The reasons my friend is angry has nothing to do with me. It's part of what he is going through in this stage of his life. He's a good guy, and quite aware, so I'm sure that he is going to figure this out and heal the wound and the pain that plague him now.When I'm with him, I feel uncomfortable hearing his anger. His thoughts are distorted. He thinks in black and white,

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-62287215662229791962008-09-05T16:57:00.002-07:002008-09-05T17:21:28.129-07:00

I'm really proud of myself for being willing to try so many new things right now. I am writing this in a coffee shop, waiting for one guy I met last week at the Twitter meet-up to arrive with his wife and kids. I don't know if anyone else will be here. I'm excited to get a chance to get to know him and his family. This is not something I would have done several months ago. I think it is a great

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-83204275370852210932008-09-04T00:34:00.004-07:002008-09-04T00:43:51.865-07:00

I've really been scolding myself lately to keep my energy to myself. I can hardly contain myself because of the shift in my energy caused by my interest in this man.On the one hand, I know that my energy travels and that at some level, he is aware of what is happening. It's not just my behavior that I'm focused on, it's my stray thoughts and running energy. My intention is not to pursue this man,

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-33890265846467595462008-09-02T08:05:00.002-07:002008-09-02T08:10:22.546-07:00

I'm feeling uncomfortable right now, and it's because I've been allowing myself to luxuriate in thoughts that I knew at the time were not in alignment with what I truly want. Why am I finding it hard to do the right thing, to make the right choice? All I can do is right now STOP and assess my situation. Do I feel good now? So let's do whatever it takes to feel good in the next minute. And the

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-88982354471280765252008-09-01T11:52:00.002-07:002008-09-01T12:30:18.740-07:00

My work life is changing. I see the potential for a gap in my schedule as I focus on finding new kinds of work and new clients. I've decided that I will leverage what I already know, slice it up in a different way, and see if I can generate an income stream from it. Right now, the biggest ideas are for a handful of ebooks I could write and sell. For some time, I've been thinking about writing an

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-65834788429285303102008-08-31T02:43:00.003-07:002008-08-31T02:51:18.847-07:00

What a difference a day makes.Since I last posted, so much has changed. I'm so grateful that I've learned how to embrace my negative feelings, be grateful for them, and focus on the fresh, new desires they birth inside me. In writing that post, I shifted my energy from treading water in my pain to facing the future with gratitude. Within hours, things started changing. My vulnerabilities were

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-83600138960418718882008-08-28T18:23:00.004-07:002008-08-28T18:46:42.735-07:00

Here I am, hot tears again, and feeling the need to let it out through my words.I don't know if my feelings are right, but I'm feeling not liked by a group of people I've embraced. It might be right. I am no stranger to people not taking to me. I'm trying to stay calm and figure out what is really happening here.First, I'm feeling a bit vulnerable lately. I've been acting out a lot of new

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-56952723308959115302008-08-27T23:04:00.004-07:002008-09-02T06:38:39.782-07:00

Over the last few days, I've felt really strong emotions that have brought me into a more alert place. I've been aching to talk to someone about what I'm feeling, but there is no one. (That thought is not exactly correct, but there is no one I felt I could call tonight to talk this through.) I thought tonight that perhaps I should return here and write about what is going on as a way to process

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-14669176093864288602007-06-07T01:00:00.001-07:002008-08-28T18:45:49.237-07:00

I'm certainly in an interesting time. I think part of what is going on is a normal decompression cycle after working too much. But part of it is new. Part of it has to do with the new push and the new direction my business is taking. Because my business is changing, I'm changing. The business and personal changes are hard to separate, but clearly these changes tilt towards the business side.I am

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-58130787999986545452007-06-05T12:30:00.001-07:002008-08-28T18:45:32.211-07:00

I just took a few minutes to read some of the recent entries here. I wanted to get a sense of perspective on this entry. What have I been writing about? And because I haven't been here frequently, what has driven me here?I am shocked to see that it has been talking and listening. Mostly my talking and someone else's listening.This is a bigger deal than I had realized. I'm going to chew on this

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-77657639535541243752007-06-05T11:09:00.001-07:002008-08-28T18:45:15.753-07:00

It has been an interesting few months. I've gotten more done, seen more dreams realized, and had more projects going at the same time than any other time in my life. The cost of this uberproductivity? Sleep. The ability to fall asleep, to be more specific. Once I'm asleep, I usually can stay asleep until I'm rested, except for the fact that I've set an alarm to keep myself at least close to my

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1159771608006855712006-10-01T23:38:00.000-07:002007-04-04T11:42:19.893-07:00

It feels like I haven't been clear lately about what I want. I've been so busy surviving the current situations and adjusting to things coming at me that I haven't really set any clear intentions for what I want. So here I go.I am committed to living a healthy lifestyle. This means kicking it up a notch or two from where I currently am. It also means doing what I know to do, making sure I have

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1159275033218372972006-09-26T05:22:00.000-07:002006-09-26T05:51:36.516-07:00

I've had a really rough time lately. In the midst of the confusion, I've been going back to relive and revisit some of the great teachers in my life, and a few of the threads of themes I've followed. Until today, they have only added to my confusion, and reminded me of the pain of the unfulfilled dreams. But today, talking to Deb, I started to get a new perspective on this.If I am correct and I'm

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1158814675884372362006-09-20T21:39:00.000-07:002006-09-20T21:58:01.006-07:00

I had a tough day today. Or maybe I had a great day.I had lunch with a friend to help her write a new resume. In the course of events, I found myself suddenly unable to stop myself from expressing profound sadness. It was right there, below a membrane that had been violated and I couldn't turn it back. In the midst of this, my heart chakra blew open and my heart hurt outside my body.I realized

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1156923958840817312006-08-30T00:38:00.000-07:002006-08-30T00:45:58.866-07:00

What an awful day I've just finished. I don't want to write any more about it than that, that is enough about it. I find myself awake in the middle of the night because of the issues that are rattling around in my heart and my heart is heavy, so apparently I'm not letting go. But I want to.How many times in the last year have I said that I need to move away from my client Joe? Today should have

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1156768214863349972006-08-28T05:13:00.000-07:002006-08-28T05:35:17.110-07:00

It's only 8 am, and I've already had the most amazing day.I got up early this morning, but instead of working, I took Dave for his colonoscopy in Beavercreek. The deal was that I would call him at 7 am and pick him up by 7:15, and I should use his cell number and not the house number. I called at 7 and no one answered. I kept callling back, not sure what was going on inside. After about 4-5 calls

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1149677333440916202006-06-07T03:41:00.000-07:002006-06-07T03:53:32.440-07:00

I just figured out what is bothering me, why I'm not able to sleep. It's business. I'm afraid that I've taken on a full time person and I don't have enough paying work for both of us. I'm scared inside.Is it true? Perhaps. But there is a greater chance that I can leverage her skills to really bring in more work. More business analysis from Joe.And while she and D are working on the topic planners

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1139034290815833652006-02-03T23:22:00.000-07:002006-02-03T23:24:50.826-07:00

I'm trying to get my office in order. I feel like I need this as a foundation for the work that is flowing into it. So this afternoon, I pulled almost everything out the office into the living room. I sorted, dusted, and returned about 75% of the stuff back in the room.So what about the rest, you ask?It's mostly still in the living room. Seems I've got a lot of things that have uncertain

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1138338951912630232006-01-26T22:06:00.000-07:002006-01-26T22:15:51.923-07:00

I've spent more hours working in the last couple of weeks than I normally do. But I'm working on a proposal where I'm the sub to a client of mine, and there is so much work to do. It's going well, and I'm almost having fun. It's not quite fun, not like the fun I had on peak days while editing corporate conference calls. Those days (and the weeks around them) were really FUN for me. I got all

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1138139411346339792006-01-24T14:45:00.000-07:002006-01-24T14:50:11.356-07:00

I'm having a tough day in the midst of a tough couple of weeks.It's taking all of my will and concentration to stay focused on the work before me. I'm being bombarded by interruptions from my client that don't just take away the time we talk, they keep changing the direction of my actions. Which causes me to replan. Which creates in me some resistance.I want to scream out: Leave me alone so I

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1138056038458350962006-01-23T14:48:00.000-07:002006-01-23T15:42:25.990-07:00

My good cyber friend, Jodi, over at Because I Said So, has this meme and I've decided to answer it as well.Four jobs you've had in your life:-- pizza maker-- 8th grade math teacher-- web surfer (for the defunct Infoseek/Go.com)-- technical writerFour movies you could watch over and over:-- Holiday (Grant and Hepburn sizzle)-- Star Wars episode 5: Empire Strikes Back-- Amelie-- A Fish Called Wanda

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1138051936684765272006-01-23T13:39:00.000-07:002006-01-23T15:46:01.646-07:00

I've had a nearly complete technology makeover since I last wrote here. I'll write up the highlights and my experience of all of these new gadgets and services.New Cell PhoneFirst, I got a new cell phone, part of Verizon's New Every Two plan. I typically get the bottom of the line phone, no bells and whistles, no downloading ring tones, and no built-in camera for me. But with all of the changes

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1137376955859420932006-01-15T18:57:00.000-07:002006-01-15T22:43:36.476-07:00

I've had a good weekend. I've rested a lot, worked a lot, and even found the inclination and energy to really clean and reorganize my bathroom. I'm heading out in a few minutes to meet some friends for dinner at my favorite local pizza place that serves the most delicious thin crust pizza I've ever had. They have wonderful salads as well, so I'm going to be torn between what I should

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1137190749056114182006-01-13T15:13:00.000-07:002006-01-13T15:19:09.066-07:00

I was very happy to resume my blog a few months ago. I truly missed being online, and I missed the writing. It helps me to keep my head straight about things.But with everything going on in my life, I'm struggling with my priorities. The pace of my life is picking up, and I'm busier than I have been in years. It's a good thing, and this is a good problem to have. It's just that I'm having to

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1135199653900554222005-12-21T13:56:00.000-07:002005-12-21T14:15:41.393-07:00

It's been a while since I've felt a pull to write, so I've been absent for a few weeks. During this time, I've been visiting family in Ohio. It's the second holiday season since Dad died, and at least for me, things are good this year. I feel like I've really faced and worked through my grief and sadness issues, not just around Dad death, but his illness and my own a few years back. I feel like

C Knoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1132898990376234072005-11-24T23:05:00.000-07:002005-11-24T23:09:50.386-07:00

It's late and I find that I'm resisting sleep. Again. Still. After less than an hour of laying in my bed, I've given up. After yawning and longing for sleep most of the evening, I've accepted instead the activity of staying up.I wonder how much of my life contains this type of resistance? I wonder how much energy I spend each day to overcome the friction that I create through my own pattern of

C Knoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1130481279934698362005-10-27T23:21:00.000-07:002005-10-28T10:10:30.936-07:00

The idea of creating an energy template for my day really has me thinking. It's one of those back burner ideas that I find myself chewing on at the oddest times, like while fast forwarding through commercials, taking out the trash, and between bites of my dinner. It's an important idea, and I think it is the nexus of several things I've been thinking about or learning over several years.A year

C Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1130104419509662582005-10-23T14:41:00.000-07:002005-10-23T15:40:31.576-07:00

Dream Fragement: I was with my family when I was told that my Dad was moved to live with some relatives of my Mom's in a town called Stevensford, Michigan, or a name similar to that. Mom had gone to visit him, and eventually she said that the saddest part was that he was sitting across the room staring at a 13 inch tv screen. This broke my heart because while he was alive, Dad always bought big

C Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1129975376237640272005-10-22T02:46:00.000-07:002005-10-22T03:31:22.446-07:00

An hour ago, I woke up from an important dream. Since then, I've done my best to rewalk it so I can remember it to write down.In the first segment, my living space was invated by a large black dog that insisted on interacting with me and would not leave my space. I did not want this dog, I did not choose it, but it seemed that I was unable to remove it from my life. I interacted with others to

C Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1129714626362538032005-10-19T02:16:00.000-07:002005-10-22T03:32:10.670-07:00

I can't sleep, so I'm up watching Elton John interviewed on Inside the Actor's Studio. And I've fallen in love with him all over again. Not that I had ever gotten over him. It's not the man that I love, it's his spirit. The sound of his music reaches a part of me that nothing else does. It started when I was a young teen, obsessed with Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, playing all of the songs on the

C Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1129333297494381502005-10-14T16:26:00.000-07:002005-10-22T03:32:40.883-07:00

I had an interesting conversation today with a new friend. I was sharing with my friend a resource that I have found invaluable to my growth. When I explained a bit about the resource, the friend said "So this is your teacher?" The answer was "no" because I don't consider this person to be my teacher, and yet, this is a person of value to me because I've learned so much from her.Ah, I realized

C Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1129141226550277642005-10-12T09:53:00.000-07:002005-10-12T11:20:26.593-07:00

Something is definitely going on with me. I'm not quite myself, and I haven't been for about two weeks, but it is getting more obvious, and perhaps, more painful. I thought I was just having trouble snapping back from being exhausted and burnt out from my project marathon. But that's been a long time ago now. I'm always tired, I continually have bags under my eyes, and I can't seem to sleep more

C Knoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1129072668275070792005-10-11T16:02:00.000-07:002005-10-11T16:23:32.066-07:00

I was walking through the house today, taking a short break from my work to put in a load of laundry when I had a huge revelation. When I wrote about my shopping experience on Saturday and losing my credit card, I tried to accurately report the truth about the story, mentioning about every little thing that went wrong but showing that I kept my perspective about it. I was glib about the details

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1129025645556763382005-10-10T23:18:00.000-07:002005-10-11T04:18:25.060-07:00

The last four years have been the greatest challenge of my life where I've faced the hardest situations and redefined myself from the inside out. It started with being unable to shake off the flu which turned out to be sepsis (blood poisoning) and required surgery and intensive antibiotics to fight off. I was left with reduced mobility, causing me to move to a one-story home. I'm grateful to

C Knoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1128909901681350422005-10-09T18:43:00.000-07:002005-10-09T20:27:00.953-07:00

Saturday, I finally got around to shopping for my new vacuum. I knew the brand and model I wanted, and thanks to Sears.com and the magic of database driven website design, I thought I knew which store in the metro Phoenix area had one in stock. Because it was quite a drive from my house, I had a two pronged approach.First, I decided to stop at various other retailers along the way to see if

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1128781249508293182005-10-08T06:47:00.000-07:002005-10-09T00:03:42.106-07:00

I've been a sort of self-help junkie since I was about 15. I've always been asking big questions like why am I here, what is the best thing I can do to meet my unique set of gifts and skills, and how does everything work. This curiosity, this need to understand myself in a larger context, has been the engine strapped onto the scooter of my life. Nearly everywhere I've been in my journey traces

C Knoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1128670253838052652005-10-06T23:06:00.000-07:002005-10-07T00:41:05.643-07:00

I've been using my project downtime to get some household projects done, things that I've been postponing mostly because I've been too busy, but also because the searing summer heat didn't magically end at Labor Day. Things like pulling up the dead weeds that have accumulated from my weed spraying the gravel in the back yard. Things like recovering the small garden along one side of the garage

C Knoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1128359822527171942005-10-03T09:56:00.000-07:002005-10-03T11:28:33.156-07:00

Last week, I purchased software online and was asked to take a satisfaction survey when I finished the ordering process. I elected to do it. I understand how important feedback is to a company, and appreciate that someone is taking the time to ask me what I thought.The purchase process had not been totally smooth, but compared to other similar purchases, I would have given them a 4 on scale of 1-

C Knoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1127899735884715972005-09-28T02:15:00.000-07:002005-09-28T02:28:55.890-07:00

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to see myself in a new context and it was painful. I chose to enter the situation, and was really proud of what I had done until some time passed and I saw how other people reacted to me. My action was based on my observation of a situation, and it came straight from my heart. It was compassionate and caring. But the person I expressed myself to is not the kind of

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1127804311782576082005-09-26T23:31:00.000-07:002005-09-27T00:05:47.350-07:00

I've just had another epiphany.For some time, I've had this lingering sense of guilt, like I'm about to be caught in my incompetence. It has touched my work, but mostly it has been about my household. I've felt overwhelmed by the idea of the amount of maintenance and attention a house takes. (I'm a new homeowner after being a renter for 25 years.) There are so many layers of responsibility in my

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1127714701964294442005-09-25T22:56:00.000-07:002005-09-25T23:06:46.906-07:00

Today was supposed to be my day off work and away from the computer, but I found myself sitting here many times throughout the day. The worst part is that I found myself thinking about work while I was doing other things, and thinking through some conversations I need to have on Monday. I really hate when "work at home" flips to "live at work," and that is what happened to me today.At the same

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1127604701144537412005-09-24T16:03:00.000-07:002005-09-25T11:32:03.503-07:00

I've just been out shopping. I had a shopping list of things I needed to purchase, but I also picked up several pure indulgences--things that I've wanted to own for a long time, found today at a good price, and brought home. I lived for a few years with a restricted income and today I'm wondering if I've opened the hole in my wallet too far. Today's brick-and-mortar shopping follows yesterday's

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1127348830707815322005-09-21T16:54:00.000-07:002005-09-21T17:29:37.850-07:00

I wonder sometimes if what I think of as progress in my personal life is really just an illusion. I wonder this because there are other times when I know things are good and I'm doing well and I'm on target. Then there are long periods of time where I get focused on goals, on projects, and on my progress towards the ends.In the last week, I've been through another one of those cycles, where I had

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1127242942695771982005-09-20T11:54:00.000-07:002005-09-20T12:02:22.700-07:00

In the last week, I've discovered a personal tool that really helps me keep myself in balance. I'm calling it "Three for Me" because that is it -- a mantra and a commitment to do three things for myself each day. I started out saying I'd do five things a day, and then stumbled onto this phrase "three for me" and liked the sound of it.I'm now blocking out my day with iterations of my personal care

C Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1127070572644831382005-09-18T11:27:00.000-07:002005-09-21T08:30:08.970-07:00

In the last few days, I've been making great progress. I'm getting my work done with great clarity. I'm bringing order back to my house. I'm taking the time to do the things for myself that I've neglected. It feels good.Last night, I spent some time working on projects for my house. I live in the desert, in a place where grass lawns are infrequent and seem to me as an overly indulgent use of

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1126670832268101022005-09-13T20:54:00.000-07:002005-09-14T11:51:36.630-07:00

For the last few days, no weeks, I've been floundering. I knew working too much would have the effect of a salad spinner in my life, tossing aside everything that wasn't central to my focus. But those things were not fluff, some of them were very important. Since finishing the project, I've struggled a bit at first to just rest and then to pull myself back together. I've rested, and I've

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1126289744475943522005-09-09T11:01:00.000-07:002005-09-09T11:15:44.483-07:00

There's a lot of angry talk about who is responsible for not preventing the disaster in New Orleans, and why more wasn't done sooner. I really don't want to jump into that battle. But I ran across an article today that shows that the threat was well known, even though I had never heard of it before last week. This article was from almost a year ago, and yet it tells the story of last week's

C Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1125996871427050942005-09-06T01:47:00.000-07:002005-09-06T13:01:36.926-07:00

I always forget how long it takes to decompress after an intense assignment. I've just spent most of the last 5 days doing almost nothing. I've picked up very little after myself during this time, making a mess of the house. I had such plans for things to accomplish, projects to complete, reading to do... and none of it was done. In fact, during much of this time, I physically felt out of sorts,

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1125869661405462232005-09-04T14:20:00.000-07:002005-09-04T14:39:01.496-07:00

Visiting Familiar GroundIt's been more than a year since I've written any journal entry, which is a long vacation for my life. And even then, the journal I was keeping was about Dad's illness, and not strictly a place for me to express my own life. But during Dad's illness, I was consumed with it and with tell his story--expressing the experiences of our family--was the biggest thing going on in

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1071045335894806252003-12-10T01:35:00.000-07:002003-12-10T01:36:39.310-07:00

I'm Scared Since Sunday, I've been getting sicker from something that seems eerily similar to my situation 18 months ago. Tonight, I'm feeling light and alert. I'm able to sit in the chair with its soft seat if I lean to one side. For moments, I can actually forget that I'm in pain/discomfort. In those moments I feel myself, fully myself. I had to cancel my plans for Saturday night. There

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-1070699442199466842003-12-06T01:30:00.000-07:002003-12-06T02:11:27.186-07:00

A Glimpse Around Me Hello -- I'm back. After 13 months, I am ready to resume my online journal. During this year, I have adjusted to my life post-surgery, worked through mobility restrictions, and almost lost my father who is still recovering from a stroke. But this doesn't begin to describe who I've become during this last year. Perhaps I should return by trying to collect my thoughts about

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-839960832002-11-04T02:17:00.000-07:002002-11-04T02:29:59.000-07:00

Squelching Sobs It's the middle of the night, and I've been awake for a couple of hours after going to bed too early. I'm hoping to get another nap in before morning. But as I lay in my borrowed bed, I found myself connecting with a deep river of sadness that is flowing through me. It's the second time in three days that I've been on the verge of sobbing, and I don't know what is wrong. I

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-835441982002-10-25T23:07:00.000-07:002002-10-25T23:07:39.336-07:00

The One Who Got Away? Tonight, I did something I don't normally do. I did a name search on a guy that I must admit, I've not really gotten over. In my heart of hearts, I've hoped against hope and against all reason that somehow, someday, things might work out between us. I've wrestled with my feelings a lot over the last three years since things ended. I knew that nothing was possible, but I

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-835192672002-10-25T12:18:00.000-07:002002-10-25T12:18:26.580-07:00

Nightmare I had a full blown nightmare this morning. I woke up when my mom's assistant arrived at the house today, I could hear them talking. But I fell back asleep quickly. The dream happened after I had been up and went back to bed. I was living in a condo, but it was much more like the apartment where I lived in Tempe years ago. First floor, single level, plaster walls. I was returning

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-832844472002-10-20T22:54:00.000-07:002002-10-20T23:05:38.000-07:00

Clenching Resumed Today I clenched inside today. I was sitting on the bed, mindlessly watching TV because I wasn't feeling strong, just resting, really. And I felt myself lock up inside. A part of me that had been relaxed suddenly went tight. I was thinking about several things, each slightly problematic, each having to do with my return to daily living responsibilities. Medical bills. The

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-824554262002-10-02T23:12:00.000-07:002002-10-02T23:12:24.113-07:00

What Goes Around... Tonight I spent some time around my sister and her newish boyfriend, someone she is pretty serious about. I vaguely know him from high school, more like I know about him. I didn't really have an opinion of him back then, and now, I think he's a pretty good guy. He seems to care about her and treat her well, and he's fit into our weird family dynamic quite nicely. He's

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-824063942002-10-02T00:31:00.000-07:002002-10-02T00:31:54.053-07:00

Another Sleepless Night I will be very glad when I can go to bed and fall asleep. I'm not sure what is up with me, but since I've been here, I've not been able to sleep. Except during the day. It's like my usual insomnia, but it is lasting much longer. That usually only lasts a few days at a time. At the same time, I'm trying to keep a schedule in synch with everyone else. Last night, I

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-822984772002-09-29T21:21:00.000-07:002002-09-29T21:25:39.000-07:00

Emails Sent To Friends Sunday, 29 September Hello XXXX It was great actually talking with you, and like you said, to put a voice with the written word. It's amazing, isn't it, how much a voice gives away about a person. Around here the rednecks are called briars (meaning mostly hicks from Kentucky, or as the inbred ones say, "'Tucky"). Maybe it's my childhood, but when I hear that

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-813663252002-09-09T11:48:00.000-07:002002-09-09T11:49:12.000-07:00

Please see my post at Desert Mermaid for an update.

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-802672772002-08-15T00:41:00.000-07:002002-08-15T00:41:58.073-07:00

The Printer Repair Guy -- Followup Nope, I haven't heard a peep from him. And I haven't decided yet what I want to do about it. When I'm done being sick, I'll figure out a plan of action. In the meantime, would someone please stop by to fluff my pillows and put on the fresh pillowcases? Oh, and I like cranberry juice, Northland because it is 27% cranberry, not that wavy logo stuff. And some

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-800504672002-08-09T18:48:00.000-07:002002-08-09T20:11:03.000-07:00

What a Friggin' Day: A Story of Betrayal and Independence Chapter 1: Night Terrors You know those days when everything seems to go wrong no matter what you do? Today was my turn, again. I'm not really complaining over here. I've had a few good cries, gotten angry, and then took decisive action. And now, there is a small measure of joy in my life. The kind of joy that is only possible

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-799088122002-08-06T14:52:00.000-07:002002-08-06T15:40:32.000-07:00

My (Messy) World and Welcome To It I'm not the world's neatest person. In fact, I'm not the world's most organized person. In my home/office, these two character traits blend together to create exactly the situation you might expect. Clutter. But not permanent clutter. Years ago, I discovered that being surrounded by clutter has an effect on me -- it clutters up my head. In fact, I do best

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-798785102002-08-05T22:25:00.000-07:002002-08-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

Things I'm thinking about buying: Lord of the Rings DVD Property Management for Dummies Indexing Books Chicago Manual of Style My Man Godfrey White Palace Feel free to help yourself!

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-796519982002-07-31T11:52:00.000-07:002002-07-31T12:28:11.000-07:00

AFI's Top 100 Movies I was just getting caught up on the happenings with Scott when I found a fabulous idea from him. He's set a goal to see all of the AFI's top 100 films, and has a list of his progress. I think that is a great idea, and I'm starting my own list. I'll mark in bold the ones I've seen so far. Current Standing: 50/100 Citizen Kane, 1941 - Such great camera shots, visually

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-796508172002-07-31T11:22:00.000-07:002002-07-31T11:23:42.000-07:00

Faith Test I'm in the middle of a huge personal project -- regaining a healthy lifestyle and in the process, losing something like 125 pounds. I'm somewhere between 40 and 45 right now, and for the last two weeks, I've gained instead of losing. It just tells me that some more adjustments are necessary. But it also tells me that my mind needs some adjusting, a booster shot of faith -- to

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-795814782002-07-29T21:52:00.000-07:002002-07-29T21:54:43.000-07:00

Privacy & The Single Girl I just did something that I haven't done for years... I did a vanity search on Google for my name. And I was HORRIFIED to discover what came up. For the most part, I've done a good job at keeping myself anonymous, except for my journal writing workshop. [I'm not going to mention the name because I don't want it to come up in a Google search!] There are only a few

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-795366572002-07-28T22:28:00.000-07:002002-07-28T22:28:11.180-07:00

Weird Day -- End in Sight The absolutely best part about having a weird day, or this case, a weird weekend, is that there is an end in sight. All I have to do is fall asleep and POOF! The weekend is over. And this camper will be happier to see it end. Nothing horrible happened, just weird stuff. Being nearly stood up for dinner on Friday night was strange. My friend thought that she would

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-794801952002-07-27T11:01:00.000-07:002002-07-27T11:11:08.000-07:00

Movie Reviews I've seen a bunch of movies lately, and with the hopes that I can save some of you from parting with your cash needlessly, here are my opinions of them: Men in Black II: Loved the original. The sequel doesn't suck, but lacks the uniqueness that was so charming in the original. Road to Perdition: I was dragged to this one, having no desire to see it. But it was good, amazingly

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-790942902002-07-17T21:33:00.000-07:002002-07-17T21:33:40.583-07:00

Why Would Someone Do That? I'm sitting here at the computer doing something mindless while my mind and heart are quite busy working through an issue. And it occurs to me that maybe writing about it will help me process it. Duh. I have a friend, someone I really enjoy and appreciate, and someone who doesn't quite feel the same way about me. I believe this because this person always lets a

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-790535642002-07-16T23:11:00.000-07:002002-07-16T23:11:14.040-07:00

I Can't Believe What Just Happened I've always had a baby face. When I was in college, I was carded at R movies, which my dates thought was hilarious, but was a real drag at bars. I was even carded until I was almost 30. I remember once I made a bet with a date that I would be carded if we stopped. I won that bet. So imagine my shock tonight when I stopped at my neighborhood Ross store and

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-790533152002-07-16T23:03:00.000-07:002002-07-16T23:03:25.876-07:00

Period of Mourning For many days now, I've been wanting to write here, but I have felt paralyzed by a sense of respect for my last entry. As if writing about the mundane goings on would dilute the powerful things I was feeling when I wrote that. In the last two days, I've come to see this as a sort of mourning period. And while Linda's friendship, life and death have changed me, I still have

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-786463992002-07-07T05:09:00.000-07:002002-07-07T06:39:47.000-07:00

Learning From Life Several years ago, I realized that my job in life is to be student. By watching the world around me, I realized that I could learn many lessons through observation, things in my own life as well as in other people's lives. Often, when things are going on in my own life, my emotions distract me from seeing the important things, like things that happen at the same time, and

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-781693412002-06-25T00:59:00.000-07:002002-06-25T01:44:07.000-07:00

Finding A Bit of Voice It's been a very odd sort of day. I don't think I've ever had a day quite like this one. -- I slept for more than 12 hours, and woke up with aching muscles, no doubt from laying around so long without any movement. It passed very quickly. I've felt fine today, and until tonight, my poor smashed foot has not bothered me--now it is slightly aching. -- I called and fired

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-781161122002-06-23T20:04:00.000-07:002002-06-23T20:04:06.980-07:00

Words Fail Me I'm feeling very blah inside. It's like the fountain of words and ideas that normally bubbles all of the time, even when I'm trying to get to sleep, has been turned off. There's a temporary drought. My head is tender, and pulling words out to update my blogs is causing me a bit of discomfort. I want to write, but the words are not there. I am having trouble putting together

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-779434602002-06-19T11:26:00.000-07:002002-06-19T11:26:39.186-07:00

Waking Up, Starting to Thaw The last week of my life has been a total blurr. I've been putting in so much time on the State project, which went into production today. I nearly broke my foot, I was awakened on Tuesday by crews tearing the balcony off my bedroom (without any sort of warning, I might add), and finally, after weeks of waiting, there is a guy under the yellow umbrella in the huge

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-775556312002-06-09T23:36:00.000-07:002002-06-09T23:36:22.130-07:00

Feeling A Bit Less Orphaned I just got an email that has made me feel very good about my life. I have a friend, someone I've known since we started high school, someone I have spent a great deal of time with in my life, and who is in contact with me occasionally the last few years. He has just asked me to review his upcoming book. I've known that he had a project in the works, but he didn't

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-775429082002-06-09T17:00:00.000-07:002002-06-09T17:20:28.000-07:00

I Got Dumped On This afternoon, I had some computer problems. A program that I use all of the time failed, and I had to uninstall and reinstall it. Only the install didn't work because it said that I was missing a Windows 2000 file. No problem. I got out the Win2000 CD and then realized that unlike earlier versions of Windows, I had a Dell Windows 2000 CD, and not just a generic Windows 2000

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-775422192002-06-09T16:37:00.000-07:002002-06-09T16:38:33.000-07:00

Engagement Announcement Has Me Upset I got an interesting email yesterday that really confused me. I'm still not sure I have the story correct, but it seems that the two business partners of a service that I use, people that I know, are engaged and getting married immediatly. I think they have a great partnership, but something about this idea of them marrying is really upsetting to me. It

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-775120452002-06-08T16:08:00.000-07:002002-06-08T16:14:05.000-07:00

Another Cut-and-Paste Entry From an email I sent on 6 June: --------------------------------------------- I had something weird happen a few weeks back. One of my part time clients offered me a job, at a good salary, and because I had other committments and couldn't start when he wanted, he has sort of flaked out. Disappeared. I don't think the offer is good any more, but he won't confess one

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-774113992002-06-06T01:16:00.000-07:002002-06-06T01:16:34.926-07:00

Ever Have One Of "Those" Days? Here is a prayer for the stressed that is funny and healing. Thanks to Dyanna for this wonderful bit of humor.

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-773534682002-06-04T17:58:00.000-07:002002-06-04T17:58:31.270-07:00

Thinking Allowed I'm so tired of writing here that I've been working a lot lately. It's true, of course, but I'm really getting sick of defining my life by overworking. It's becoming the defining characteristic of my days and weeks. I'm really sick of it. For the last week, I've been doing much better, taking more breaks, getting out of the house more. One thing that I've found really

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-772700422002-06-02T19:24:00.000-07:002002-06-02T19:33:17.000-07:00

Where My Head Is I have worked all the way through the weekend, again. I'm glad I had a big chunk of Friday out of this office and my butt out of this chair, but even that was after putting in a six hour day. I'm tired, I a bit burnt out, and I'm having a hard time finding that sweet spot, that place where I love my life and my work. After all, I don't work at home, I live at work. But can't

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-769535922002-05-25T00:27:00.000-07:002002-05-25T01:21:50.000-07:00

Finding My Place At The Intersection of Earth and Sky Several years ago, I took a project that required me to show up at someone's office every day for several months. It's the kind of situation that I do my best to avoid because it pulls me out of my office and vacates the center of my world. I took the contract because I felt it was the answer to my current situation, against my reservations

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-769121192002-05-23T21:49:00.000-07:002002-05-23T22:00:45.000-07:00

Another Letter To A Friend I seem to be telling my friends what is going on more than I'm writing about it here. Another entry in my cut and paste online journal, courtesy of a friend. -------------------------------------------------------------- Question: What The Hell Am I Doing? Answer: I don't know I'm swamped with work, I've got client projects lined up long enough that I've got to

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-767523332002-05-20T02:57:00.000-07:002002-05-20T02:59:45.000-07:00

Letter To A Friend Tonight I wrote to a friend, things I want to record here. --------------------------------------------------- Hi It is always good to hear from you. Sorry to hear about your back! Ouch. Maybe there is another way to look at your feeling of being in limbo. Recently, I've been challenged to make peace with some ideas that had always bothered me. Maybe figuring out what I

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-766875702002-05-17T23:37:00.000-07:002002-05-18T03:10:27.000-07:00

Painting My Garden Blue Earlier this week, I took myself shopping at the Town Dump in Cave Creek, which not only claims to be the world's most unique shop, it actually is one of the most unique places I know. I went looking for metal things for the garden, trellis, planters, even a bench. I found several things that I loved, and I brought home a 5 foot tall nd 4 foot wide metal trellis. I'm

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-763859762002-05-09T22:39:00.000-07:002002-05-09T22:39:50.410-07:00

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same (Or, I Realize How Bad My Rut Really Is) How long does it take you to stop calling it your *new* computer? I just realized that I no longer talk about my *new* computer, only calling it my computer. I got a LOT of memory, and I'm running at 86% empty, so I don't stop very often to clean out folders. But yesterday, feeling the urge to do

C Knoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3063777.post-763131042002-05-08T11:52:00.000-07:002002-05-08T12:01:41.000-07:00

Amazing Dream Breakthrough My sleep is really off these last few days, and my dreams have been rich. These things always seem to go together. In the best of the dreams, I was in a body of water, like a swimming pool, but I was being told that this situation was symbolic of my life and interaction. In this water, I was thrashing around a bit. I was told to evaluate my situation, and I

C Knoreply@blogger.com0