I'm Hungry

Tonight I feel a sort of restlessness that is more than being tired. More than being scattered. Something big is about to break through.

Feeling a desire for inspiration, I return to my art blog, nearly six months abandoned, and begin to selectively check out the work from some of my favorite artists. I find myself falling deeper and deeper into this well.

Then I find myself on the blog of EB, a woman I admire for the quality of her life and the amazing way that shows up in her art. I skim through, wading back through the last six months. At one point, a thought forms: I want to sit at this woman's feet. I want to learn about life from her.

As my mind runs with this idea, and I imagine an email exchange and me packing for a trip, my heart stays steady. It is speaking to me.

Heart: You already have everything you need.

Me: I want more.

Heart: You have access to more. You have access to everything you could ever want.

Me: I see myself in my studio making art.

Heart: You want to begin your new work. To have something useful, something rich and deep, something vitally important to offer, you must constantly be cultivating your own inner life.

Me: I see myself exploring my emotions and my psychology through my art.

Heart: It's time to start your practice in earnest.

Me: Yes, I know.

Heart: That is what you would learn at this woman's feet. She's an imperfect vessel, as we all are. She's a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, and artist. She has flaws and personality quirks that would distract you if you are looking for someone to inspire you in the wrong way. It's enough that you have encountered her soul through her work.

Me: Her soul speaks to my soul.

Heart: It's calling you to deepen your practice. Do the things you know to do. Give yourself some time each day to explore yourself and your reality. Dig deep. Be brave. Show up. Do the work. You know what to do. And you have everything you need.

Me: I know what I need to do and I have everything I need. It's what I want to do.

Heart: Carve out the space and time to do it. Your heart is hungry for the honey from the rocks of your own life. Nothing else will satisfy you.

Me: I know that. This feeling, this ache... I'm siting with it. I'm feeling where it is in my body. I'm finding my peace with it, thanking it for its gift to me. I want to remember when I feel this again, to greet it like an old friend.

Heart: You are making it harder than it is. Just feel it, breathe through it, and act when you are inspired.

Me: Okay.

I'm Scared

I've been putting up a brave face. But tonight I can't avoid the fact that I'm scared to my bones.

I've been avoiding anything that would cause me to come face to face with the object of my fear. I've sidestepped things, I've procrastinated, I've even denied it was true. None of those strategies helped me to actually stop being so scared, or helped me to find my courage.

Tonight, I faced my fear. I stared it in the eye. I felt my heart flutter and sink. I felt my throat gulp and my mind start to race.

But feeling my fear is not the end of this story.

I feel my fear, and I'm taking a deep breath to calm myself. I feel my fear, and I'm taking a step anyway. I feel my fear, and I'm choosing to remember that I'm powerful at the same time. I feel my fear, and I decide that I can find my way out of this forest. I feel my fear, and I feel my courage begin to rise.

I hear my mind race with negative thoughts, and I calmly remind myself about the truth. It's a "yes, but..." conversation. I can refute the hyperbole of my fears. I can also interject optimism into the space left open by the truth.

The truth is: I've been in tougher spots before, and I've made it through each time. I can repeat my performance once again. I can return to living at the level of my dreams.

See? It wasn't so bad after all.