"You Need to Deal With This"

I woke up this morning and the first thought on my mind was: You need to deal with this. I had dreamt about my situation with TW and the situation is what I need to deal with. I know this. I just don't know what to do.

In the middle of the night, I went for a long drive to think about some things. I asked that the wind blowing through the truck would wash away the clouds and confusion so I could see things clearly. It was an insightful drive. One of the things I pondered was my situation with TW. I have no idea how to fix what is broken inside me to really resolve the whole thing. The only thing I know to do is to deal with symptoms in the meantime. I can do that. I can remember what I want my behavior to look like and remind myself to follow that. But my heart and mind are a different matter. I find myself wanting to be pulled into that world, wishing it we already so. It's like an addiction. The only thing I know to do is to stay in my center and be calm when I feel its pull on me. I can't stop wanting that, but I can stop acting on it.

Other things that came up tonight were quite interesting. I'm considering submitting a proposal to speak at a conference next spring. I've never considered doing that before. It suddenly gave new importance to a couple of the activities on my schedule at the end of October. They could almost be seen as practice events.

I changed my avatar on several social media websites tonight.

I am feeling a bit of pressure about current events because I'm starting to think that they are critical for the future. They may be important, but nothing is critical and there is no reason to feel any pressure. I do appreciate realizing that the time now is important. But I don't need to worry that I might mess up things or that I could blow the future. Yes, there could be consequences for decisions I make now, but if not that future, another comparable future. I need to really chill with this.

Dream Window to My Soul

My dreams have been quite rich lately, but last night was especially vivid and full of images.

I was visiting my mom at the house where I grew up, only it was different from my real home. Mom was working in the yard, working to manage the land. She landscapes and manages it, maybe I should say manicures it, into submission. There was a side of the house with almost an alley that I had never been down. I walked down it and realized that it opened up to a large field, and that were was a series of these large fields that turned corners and traveled a path between open farm land. I wasn't traveling between crop fields, but open spaces of land with grass, like a plain, and trees, and along the edges of thickets.

I set out to walk to the end of the property, and it was several miles away. There were some farm houses, and from my perspective, they seems to be landlocked, but they had long, winding driveways. I never encountered a road, only this open space land and some trees. I was walking mostly on grass the entire way. When I reached the end, the land came up between two homes, and a woman came out of one home. I watched a mother and daughter walk up to the other home, and knew they maintained a garden on that land. The woman asked me who I was because she knew everyone who belonged on the land and she didn't know me. She said the people who belonged there were so close that they participated together in a blood drive. I told her my relationship to my mom, and immediately I was accepted.

She joined me and started talking to me about the land and about mom. Later, we were joined by another woman from one of the farmhouses I had passed. She also knew mom and told me that she was having financial troubles and I was to keep that information to myself. She was trying to sell some land to turn her situation around. She told me there was something I should see. We walked just off mom's land to a sort of thicket of sycamore trees. They were so tall I had to lay on the ground to take in the height of them! They were about 300 feet high! The second woman had worked to get this piece of land a special designation to preserve those trees for future generations.

The whole time I was walking, I kept thinking that mom will be happy to know how nice the rest of the land is, but that she will overextend herself to control it and manage it so it is as manicured as the rest of her land. I remember that as I was walking out alone, I originally thought that she should fence off her land to protect it, but realized after a while that some of the beauty of the area was from the openness and that fencing it was not only not necessary, but it would diminish the beauty.

The snakes. While I was with mom, I had three separate snake incidents. First, there was a huge snake that turned towards us and I feared we would be bit so I killed it by slicing it with some papers I had in my hand. I picked up the pieces and took the carcass to the trash. Later, there was a garter snake that I saw but was going to ignore until it starting flying through the air and on its second pass, flew right at me. I grabbed it, and pinched it behind the head. I think I decapitated it, or it stranged, because it was dead also. There was a third snake in a pile of dried oak leaves, but I walked in a different direction to avoid it.

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Blogger lost most of this entry. I spent a lot of time interpreting this dream and it is all lost. I'm going to recap what I learned, but the magic of what happened in that time is lost.
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There is a classic Jungian dream where your home is suddenly larger, and it signifies that you have made a leap in your consciousness into a larger world. This is my ancestral home, so I believe it relates to my core, the deepest and oldest part of myself. The fact that it takes place outdoors instead of inside the house indicates that it is part of my instinctual nature. Jung makes a distinction between domestic and wild animals, and I'm drawing the same sort of parallel between indoor spaces and outdoor spaces. The expansion is not part of the person I've learned to be, or that I've been socialized to be. It is within the part of me that came into this world. Could this mean that more of my self is present in my daily life? That would tie in with my latest round of heartbreak and healing, releasing old energy that fit the pattern of disappointment and heart break that allows more of me to be present. I have to believe these things are related.

The fact that the land is cozy, not the desert where I live, means something to me as well. The desert is a great teacher, but she is not a place where you go to refresh and recoup. This land, with the openness and naturalness (not farmed) filled with grass and thickets of trees, this is the kind of land that embraces you and allows you to explore and feel safe. In the desert, you must maintain vigilance at all times.

I walked to the end of the land alone, and then was joined by two other women in my return trip. Women I didn't know. One told me about her financial challenge and her plan to alleviate that. I'm not getting anything about that.

The whole "blood drive" bit is also somewhat confusing. It seems to indicate a blood bond between the people, a family of choice perhaps. The mother and daughter were there to garden, to work the land, to be fruitful. That draws up the image of nurturing and being part of the larger cycle of life.

The large trees could be phallic, but it seems more that they represent the growth of a person. The roots providing the grounding, and the branches showing a reaching towards the heavens and enlightenment. They were extraordinarily tall, and they had just been designated as a trust so they would be saved for future generations.

The snakes are another story. The snakes represent transmutation, and I remember thinking that when they appeared in the dream. Jung also says that snakes represent a conflict between the instinctive nature and inner person. It echoes the outdoor setting for the dream, something about my instincts not being in synch with who I truly am. That is a natural effect of personal growth. The instincts are developed through experience, and they are a bit slower to change because they hang on to past experience. I can't remember ever killing a snake in a dream, or even being attacked by one. I think this image is about fighting my instincts, about not trusting them. There is so much change going on in my life right now that I often observe my instincts and impulsive behavior and hold them before acting. Most times, after a little time passes, the wisdom from within me bubbles to the surface and I realize the folly of the original thought for a course of action. That is being deliberate instead of impulsive.

In summary, I think the images of this dream are talking about the large change taking place in my life. I feel it confirms my own thoughts and awareness that a deep and important change is happening from my core outward. I do see some awkwardness in my daily living and awareness as I try out new behaviors and put myself in new situations. I can't trust my instincts yet, they are tied to old patterns that I'm choosing to change.

Hurting Again

I'm in that space again. After a few days of feeling more solid, I'm feeling vulnerable and exposed and embarrassed. I'm not even sure what I want to write here. I only know that I feel better when I write it out.

I know that something is going on here with my TW friend. I can't seem to contain myself. I want to be known, I want to tell him everything about me. I can't stop myself, the feeling of safety in the moment and the urge to share overwhelm me. I don't think I've done anything horrible. I really don't want to be a burden or become some sort of a pen pal. It has to stop, I can see that. But I don't know what to do.

I do know that this urge I'm feeling is okay. I know that something is going on and I'm going to figure it out over time. I just don't want to explode in someone's life in the meantime. Someone who hasn't really invited me in.

These feelings are so strong when they hit that I feel the waves of it rolling over me. It comes from a very deep place.

I'm really proud that I have the courage to stand and go through this. I'm also proud that I'm strong enough to observe myself. And that even in the midst of all this, I'm being kind to myself. I feel so vulnerable and like it is my fault I've exploded like this, and yet I'm not blaming myself for it. I'm really wrestling with it.

Sobbing Into My Pillow

It's almost 5 am and I still haven't been to sleep. When I went to bed, I found my head was racing with feelings and ideas I want to express, words to make a bridge between me and another person I think has the capacity to understand me. Someone I can pour my heart out, even the parts that are a bit wounded and smarting.

I feel that the reason, or perhaps the benefit, of this imaginary conversation, is to allow me to see parts of my life side by side, parts that I normally don't link together. There is a pattern, and by telling the story tonight into my pillow, I saw it. It touched me. I sobbed.

I know that the important thing is for me to release these feelings and go on with my life. But at the same time, I find myself wondering tonight if perhaps I could be allowed to find a real flesh and blood person I could tell my story to.

When I heard my story tonight, I realized I have more storytelling to do. I feel a bit resistant to this, resistant to feeling the pain and vulnerability of being so real. And yet that is exactly the kind of person I want to be, so my reluctance surprises me.

I'm so tired I am having trouble getting my fingers to type all of the correct letters here and none of the wrong letters. Perhaps I should save the rest of my thoughts for another time.

Anger and My Angry Friend

I have an angry friend.

The reasons my friend is angry has nothing to do with me. It's part of what he is going through in this stage of his life. He's a good guy, and quite aware, so I'm sure that he is going to figure this out and heal the wound and the pain that plague him now.

When I'm with him, I feel uncomfortable hearing his anger. His thoughts are distorted. He thinks in black and white, condemning everything he things about. From what I observe, he stubbornly clings to his anger with self righteousness. He feel justified to be so angry. And yet his actions and choices and thought only handcuff him to more of the same. He is really unwilling to release himself from this self-made prison.

I am a different kind of person. I can't ever remember being that angry. My heart was always more teachable than his. Even at times when perhaps I should have been angry and used that anger to stand up for myself, I didn't. I always felt that I was being taught something by the circumstances. When I do get angry, it blows white hot and then passes quickly. Once it is gone, it is gone. I don't hold a grudge, or even remember being angry later.

Perhaps I learned to be teachable in part from my father, who would get frustrated and rage at anyone around. He didn't strike anyone, but he yelled and verbally attacked. I learned at an early age the importance of moving away from the focus of his anger. Like me, he would blow hot and it would be over. No apologies, but it was truly over. I see my brother doing something similar, but I give him complete credit for this: he apologizes for his outbursts.

I think my mutable water nature is mostly the reason for my lack of anger. I also have very little fire energy. So more than the environmental factors, I think I am just cut from a different bolt of fabric. This also makes it harder for me to just sit with my friend's anger. I know the benefit of releasing it and moving on. But I can't help anyone else. I don't know why I can't remember that when I'm looking into the eyes of a friend who is suffering. I can only answer questions when they are asked. I can't provide clues or answers before then because they only appear as annoying noise.

I can completely separate myself from his anger and his state. Even being with him, I don't feel influenced by his anger. I also feel safe. I know that even if he gets frustrated with me, I'm safe with him. That is important. I feel detached from him and his anger in the same way I feel detached from a friend who insists that the waiter return their meal to the kitchen several times. It's not met, it's them. I'm very clear about that.

I've realized the last two times I've had lunch with him that I really don't know how to act in this situation. I really fumble and don't know what to say because nearly everything I say ends up frustrating him. I'm not afraid to be his friend through this phase, I just don't seem to know how to be his friend right now.

So today when I got back, I wrote him an email and said that I didn't know how to be his friend right now, that I realize what I'm doing is adding to his frustration, and that I want to know how to be his friend. I got back a very sweet note from him about his appreciation for my friendship. His advise for me, as I summed it up, is to just listen and don't talk. Don't try to comfort him. Don't be logical. I can do this.

I'm not sure if I am odd with my anger, if most people are like my friend, or just how it plays out. I've not been around such anger before. It's not my favorite thing (as I'm sure it is not his favorite thing). We process our emotions very differently. I'm grateful for this opportunity to learn something new. I find myself really hoping that I don't need to use it very much in the future. I prefer to spend time with people who are more like me, who are geared to learn from situation, to submit to the higher wisdom of myself in challenging situations. I don't want to be an angry friend to people, and I hope I always remain the kind of person who seeks the growth opportunity. I'm sure I won't do that perfectly, but it is my goal.

Where I Am Today

I'm really proud of myself for being willing to try so many new things right now. I am writing this in a coffee shop, waiting for one guy I met last week at the Twitter meet-up to arrive with his wife and kids. I don't know if anyone else will be here. I'm excited to get a chance to get to know him and his family. This is not something I would have done several months ago. I think it is a great change.

It's been a strange day. I reconnected with an old friend today, someone from 30 years ago. It was like no time had passed. He had some interesting feedback for me. He told me that even back in the day, it was obvious that I was consciously on an inner journey. I know that was true of me then, I'm just a bit surprised that someone noticed it and was willing to share that with me.

I'm not sure when I first realized I was on a journey. I think it is totally organic to my being, so I'm not sure it is something I realized. I think it might be more interesting to figure out when I first realized that everyone was not like me. I'm still shocked today when I realize people are not consciously on their journey, even though I know in my head that they really are on a journey and that many people are not conscious of it. I also understand that people are free to focus on what they want. But it still surprises me when I find myself face-to-face with it.

I've also been surprised by the amount of anger in one of the women I've met. I don't think I've ever seen such meanness in a person before. My first impressions of her were accurate. When I contacted her, I was surprised at how she welcomed me, and I thought that perhaps I had misjudged her. I do make mistakes about people. Later, she openned up to me with a very private part of her life and then an emotional burst, letting me into her pain and her confusion. I see who she is. I was disappointed later when I met up with her again, and I felt her very pointed, critical energy directed at me. Totally skeptical and judgmental of me. I realize part of this is just how she expresses her personality, and part of it was a reaction to her inability to not expose herself to me earlier. I wasn't surprise, just disappointed. It didn't prevent me from doing what I came to do, but it did cause me to shift my energy in response to her. She is used to getting her way, playing the game by her rules, and is very lonely and angry inside. I hope she finds a way to soften her heart and let in the good things around her. When I spoke to her about her strengths and the strong qualities I see in her, she drank it up. I hope that my interaction with her has a positive impact on her. I feel that she won't have anything to do with me going forward. I intend to smile and nod and keep my distance.

I'm observing my interactions online, and I see much that I like. I'm starting to make some interesting online friends. People of real character and substance. It's grand to meet them. For the most part, the local community isn't full of my kind of people. They are creative and technical and very nice, but their focus and interests are quite different. It's more of a disconnect than anything else. I was hoping that I had made a friend in one woman, but that is clearly not the case. I'm fine with that, and I trust that I will begin to find my people locally. It takes time, and will be so worth it when it happens. I certainly have the patience to wait.

I'm not sure what is up with my inability to focus and crank out work right now. I think I had the right idea today, that it doesn't matter if I putz around today more than I would like. There are no deadlines, no penalties for not getting things done today or this weekend. I think I am so used to driving myself hard that it's hard to take some time to just tread water and explore a bit. It's been a great day even thouugh I didn't get through the list of things I wanted to do. There is time, and after all, I'm working tomorrow and Sunday. I don't feel like I need a weekend this week.

I would like to get the studio straightened out.

I'm seriously considering having people over to watch the movie I've ordered. I have no idea who might come, but small group or large, I'd be happy to have people in the house. It would be a lot of fun. I've been thinking I could make a big pot of sloppy joe mix for the event.

What's Going On?

I've really been scolding myself lately to keep my energy to myself. I can hardly contain myself because of the shift in my energy caused by my interest in this man.

On the one hand, I know that my energy travels and that at some level, he is aware of what is happening. It's not just my behavior that I'm focused on, it's my stray thoughts and running energy. My intention is not to pursue this man, so that means not just my behavior, but my energy needs to conform.

On the other hand, it's really exciting to feel myself so open and vulnerable. This has nothing to do with him, but with me. I try to reign myself in with that remembrance. At the same time, I'm trying to let myself feel everything I feel.

I'm a little off balance with this change. My static energy and my routine sense of balance are disrupted. It's a new thing, and of course it will take me a little bit of time to figure out what is going on and how to manage it.

When I woke up this morning, I realized in my dream I was visiting him at work. It felt like I was stalking him at work. I immediately started scolding myself and said STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT, as if words could reign in my energy.

I'm really in a quandary about this.

Make the Hard Choice

I'm feeling uncomfortable right now, and it's because I've been allowing myself to luxuriate in thoughts that I knew at the time were not in alignment with what I truly want. Why am I finding it hard to do the right thing, to make the right choice? All I can do is right now STOP and assess my situation. Do I feel good now? So let's do whatever it takes to feel good in the next minute. And the next. That's not so hard, is it?

There is something deep inside me that is struggling with this. This is a big issue, bigger than the current situation. I recognize this, and at the same time, I choose to make the right decision for this situation. It has felt like a harder choice to make because it is a larger issue, but I still decide what I do. Easy or hard, I choose to take the action that honors me.

The House Blessing

My work life is changing. I see the potential for a gap in my schedule as I focus on finding new kinds of work and new clients. I've decided that I will leverage what I already know, slice it up in a different way, and see if I can generate an income stream from it. Right now, the biggest ideas are for a handful of ebooks I could write and sell.

For some time, I've been thinking about writing an ebook about what I've learned on space clearing and feng shui. It's something I've been using in my own life for almost 15 years, and while I'm not an expert, I do have information that other people might find interesting or valuable. I've started mapping out the possible contents for this book.

At the same time, I manifested an opportunity to do a space clearing/home blessing for someone I've just met. I did the event last night, and my experience of it is fresh. So here is the story of my preparation and conducting the session.

To start, I pulled out my space clearing tools and spent some time thinking about each of them. Things like: when did I purchase the item, why did I want it, how do I use it, etc. Then, I grabbed the space clearing book I bought 10 years ago and reviewed a few of the chapters. I made some quick notes, things that struck me as fundamental, things I had forgotten, and some of my own ideas triggered by what I read. I spent a few days re-reading this information, formulating ideas in my mind about what I might do.

The day before the ceremony, I pulled out all of my tools and the things I thought I might want to use. I pulled them together and spent a little time with them.

The day of the ceremony, I started my personal preparation. I gathered the tools in front of me and started to set up my altar. I started my prayers and set my intentions for the work. Using my notes and the ideas I had percolated, I started to create the order of events and decide which tools I would use for each portion of the ceremony. Then, I ran through what I was going to do and say a few times, very loosely, wanting to save most of the energy for the event. However, I felt so strongly into the event at this point, I knew that everything I was doing was part of the ceremony. I was in that sacred space. When I had outlined my events and selected my tools, I started pulling them together and putting them into the container for transportation.

At this point, I had decided I wanted to gift the homeowner with some aromatherapy, so I pulled out my oils and moved to the kitchen counter. I selected the oils and started assembling the mix. When that was finished, I added her oil to the transportation box.

One interesting point is that I realized at this point that I was getting guidance, and I remember thinking: If I forget the matches, it is okay because I have a lighter in the truck. Funny thing, that thought was actually guidance telling me that I was forgetting to pack the matches. I discovered that later at the site, and did go out to the truck to get my lighter. I got the guidance, I just didn't quite realize what was happening. I had to laugh when I realized it later.

I am flexible and accomodating, so when I arrived at the ceremony, I took the pulse of the homeowner and her participant and gauged my actions towards the window I felt was available. I sensed that they were not so open, even though I was told through words that they were open, to some alternative views. I could just feel it, a rigidity in thought. As a result, I shifted what I had planned to do to stay more traditional. Not so much my actions, but my words. It through me off a bit, but it had an interesting learning for me. I ended up praying a more traditional Christian prayer, something I haven't done for a very long time. The thoughts I created, the wishes that came, were different to fit the situation. It was as if I was thinking in a different language, and some ideas were just no longer available to me. That was the first surprise. The second one: I was totally in the same sacred space saying those prayers with words and thoughts that were actually foreign to my path and walk. I have felt for some time that I could translate my faith into something that Christians could understand, that I could walk on the common ground, and I found through experience that was true. It's a pretty big understanding. I need to think about this a bit more.

I showed up in the same sacred space but almost like I was a different player in the play. I had different thoughts as well as different words. But I was on the same stage I normally find myself.

I felt I was very casual and open during the ceremony. I wasn't off task, but I was very transparent and open as I went through the process. Perhaps too transparent if I'm going to continue doing this kind of work. And perhaps the ceremony lasted too long. I might be able to figure out a way to accomplish the same work with fewer steps so the length is shorter and the event is more structured.

There came a point when I knew the clearing was done. I almost didn't finish clearing the house in that pass, I started to return to the altar and the homeowner pointed it out to me. I realized I was totally following the energy of the event and not a schedule. I also decided to skip the last step, partly because I just knew it was done, and partly to shorten the time. I need to think some more about the structure. I think I could use fewer clearing modalities and accomplish the same work. Perhaps I should take all four and then only use the one(s) that I feel are needed. Some are stronger than others, each has a slightly different purpose. They are each a different actor on the same stage, eh?

They had a refreshment afterward. I think that is a good thing to have at the end, a small breaking of bread with something sweet to end the ceremony. Think about that.

I used solar purified water for the event, and I could feel the difference.

At the end, I had them read their prayers/wishes/intentions for the house, and we burned them in the sage bowl. I used the Tibetan chimes at the end of each one. At one point, at exactly the moment I hit the chimes, the smoke detector went off at exactly the same pitch. It sounded for a moment as if the chime was sounding on a different plane of existence and we were able to hear that. It was a magical moment. We did realize it was the smoke detector, and at that second, it cut itself off. The homeowner opened two doors at that point so we didn't have any more smoke issues.

I hadn't thought through the sage smoke issue very well. I guess it was because I don't have any issue here in this house with the smoke. But that is something I will have to think through a bit more.

I need to create a very strong opening and closing for the event. It was stream of consciousness throughout. I think I did a good job with the open and close, but I would do better if I developed more of a boilerplate message for each end and used it each time. I would be more grounded and sure that I had accomplished the start and close clearly and with the greatest human impact.

I didn't do some of the things I normally do, and some of the things I intended to do. I intended to consciously expand my energy to fill the space at the start, and it just didn't cross my mind that it was time to do that. Also, I didn't do some of the prayers I usually do, inviting in the keepers, etc. I think part of the reason for both of this omissions is because I had been in sacred space for several hours at that point. I normally take those actions as I step into sacred space. I had already called them in, I knew they were already with me. Just more to think about.

The homeowner's friend took many pictures throughout the ceremony. I was amazingly unselfconscious. I am curious to see my energy in those pictures, to see if there is anything I can see in them.