A New Understanding

I've just had one of those amazing experiences. Something important has shifted and I can't quite explain it. I know for sure it has happened, but it happened on a level where my brain can't quite process it with words. Yet I find myself here, trying to use words, to capture the importance of this moment and this realization.

Suddenly, I see glimpses into my recent history with understanding. Things that haven't quite made sense as they were happening now seem completely reasonable and knowable from this vantage. I understand now that I'm always going to be walking through the fears and insecurities and mistakes of this life because those things are part of being human. And yet I know I am much more than merely human. I identify with the larger part of me, the part that transcends these things. It like I forget that I can't live my life at that level, I must live my life as a human. But I am guided by the wisdom and understanding of the higher level. I have conscious access to that part of myself, what a gift that is.

What understanding I can have in the midst of human level confusion. What wisdom I can employ when making decisions and choosing my path between conflicting opinions. I can tap into the higher perspective, and I can do my best to live from that higher perspective. But I can't maintain it. I live on the bridge between these two worlds. I can live in the higher world for moments of time, and I find myself living in the human world for longer stretches, but in truth, my life is on the bridge.

I haven't understood this in this way before, even if I have used the same words, they now mean something different to me. My soul has had an experience that changes everything, coming outward from the core of me.

Was John my soul mate? It's a very good question. In my imagination, I can adjust the details of our interaction and he becomes a more profound and more intense interaction. Is that true or not? I believe I can change my experience with him so it is true. I can rewrite my history, tell a different story, and it becomes a different history, I become a different person. Perhaps it impacts John in the same way. Perhaps it allows him to become the man he wanted to be at that time, the man he had a vision to be, but in his humanness, he didn't quite manifest with me. If that is the case, it is a gift I give to both of us.

The story we tell is indeed important. It sets us free to be the person we want to be and perhaps it even allows for those who interact with us to be free to choose to be the person they also want to be. Maybe it is never too late to have a happy childhood, as someone once said.

I see the people in my life very differently as well. I see that I need to step back from them all as much as possible. I need to receive whatever they have to give and not ask things of them that they can't give. That's what I have done in the past, whether I meant to or not. Oh, guide me so that I can find my way on that path because I have stumbled so many times. Show me how to be that person, the one who mostly assesses correctly what is fair to ask of others. I'm willing to continue to make mistakes, but please show me how to master this part of myself so I can be more effective when I don't make a mistake.

Show me how to ground this energy and work with it. Show me how this changes me forever. Show me how to live my life as this person I see clearly tonight. Show me because I want to be a deliberate, conscious person. I want to travel a path of intention with intent, and I want to share what I learn with those around me. I want to be effective in working with myself and with others. I want to honor the essence and truth of who I am. I want to honor the path that I walk. I want to live the truth that I know, not just hold it in my head, but live it, breathe it, and let it radiate from every cell of my body with integrity. My soul knows how to be, I want to live in harmony with my own soul. I want to be true to myself.

Thank you for this experience tonight.

Where is My Christmas Spirit?

I'm up at 5 am because I woke up and can't get back to sleep. I'm tired and yawning, but sleep evades me.

So much has happened in 2008, even in the last few weeks, that I seem to have no bandwidth to process it. I'm in a very active part of my journey, where time for real reflection isn't available, or so it seems. That does make sense to me. If I think about a physical journey, there are times in the road where more activity is required, more alertness, and more rest from real exhaustion. I've certainly been exhausted recently. It's been compounding, layer upon layer, so I feel it is normal to be tired. But it isn't, and I hope to turn that around in a few more weeks.

This time pushes me through the sludge in the river bed of my path, and clears it out. It pushes me beyond what I normally allow, breaking my heart and mind, confusing me with it's newness and toughness, and letting me see that I can do more and be more than I previously thought.

For a long time, I've been hard on myself becuase I thought I should manage my work process better so I don't end up in times like this. Sure, it is possible that I need to learn more about managing my life and maintaining my balance, I would not argue against that idea. But I think I've actually over managed my life in some ways. I have this idea that I'm in charge, that I can regulate my life. In fact, I life a pretty orderly life, I've seen shocking evidence of that this year. While mostly I think that is true, there is also another truth. I must also leave spaces in my life for the mysteries of life, room for new things to erupt into my awareness, and allow the shattering of my constructed world so I can experience quantum growth. The growth process isn't always orderly and predictable. It pushes and pulls, it reveals all of our warts, and humiliates us where we have any sense of pride or propriety. I've certainly had plenty of that this year.

So where am I right now? I'm tired, not just in this moment, but overall. This feeling makes me feel like I'm pushing myself too hard, that I'm taking on too much. I don't know if this is a general thing, or specific to right now, but I'm sure I will figure this out. I'm in the midst of a huge learning curve that shows itself in the struggle to find my voice with my new blog. I'm also starting to get clear about the kind of work I really want to do. I want to help people who want to decide the kind of person they want to be. People who want to work with their own assemblage point, set their own tone, however you want to think about it.

I'm here for Christmas, with a suitcase of presents, most of which I made. I enjoyed the process of making them. I'm thrilled to be giving them. But I don't feel any Christmas spirit, and it is Christmas Eve.

What I Should Do

• I should be working.
• I should be happy that I have client work.
• I should be able to shake off this feeling of being out of touch, of being crusty.
• I should be happy all of the time.
• I should be productive all of the time.
• I should sleep at night when I go to bed and not just right before I have to wake up.
• I should be able to figure out the things that bug me.
• I should be further long in my ___________________ (career and life come to mind first).
• I should be able to figure out who is my real friend without getting burnt by a fake one in the process.
• I should have already lost the 30 pounds I want to lose.
  
• I should have more time to do what I want to do.
• I should be able to protect myself from the slings and arrows of idiots and people I don't really trust or like.
• I should be in charge all of the time (of myself).
• I should be able to choose who I like instead of being surprised by my own heart.
• I should have my life better organized.
• I should be on top of the things I'm trying to do.
• I should have already organized my contact list.
• I should have my bookkeeping up to date.
• I should like to do the things I need to do.
• I should have found better friends, and more of them.
• I should have run harder after the things I ignored.
• I should have known what was going to be important to me in this phase of my life sooner.
• I should not make silly mistakes or forget things.
• I should be allowed to cry any time I feel like crying.
• I should be able to snap myself out of this glumness.
• I should have thought to make this list sooner in my life.
• I should let myself get this crap out of me so I can move past it.
• I should let myself cry now.
• I should forgive myself for not being perfect.
• I should be grateful for everything good in my life instead of bitching about the small inconveniences.
• I should appreciate that I can take this time to vent, and that I have a safe place to do it.
• I should stop being so hard on myself.
• I should realize that being honest is the best thing I can do in any moment.
• I should stop trying to manage the parts of me that are wild.
• I should take a break, maybe even a nap.
• I should be amazed at the movement in my heart from this simple exercise.
• I should take a deep breath.
• I should call someone who cares about me.
• I should appreciate that I am alive and that I can feel anything, even crap.
• I should appreciate the people around me who do care about me.
• I should appreciate the impact I do have on people and be grateful I can help someone.
• I should take another deep breath.
• I should stop now.