Yesterday, I had the opportunity to see myself in a new context and it was painful. I chose to enter the situation, and was really proud of what I had done until some time passed and I saw how other people reacted to me. My action was based on my observation of a situation, and it came straight from my heart. It was compassionate and caring. But the person I expressed myself to is not the kind of person who appreciates or accepts such actions. Perhaps if I had not been so impulsive, if I had tested the waters before reacting, I would not have taken that action. Perhaps I would have figured out that my normal reaction would not mesh in that milieu, and would have kept my thoughts to myself. I will never know.
I led with my heart, and after observing the reaction to me, I felt stupid and exposed, those horrible feelings of being different and being judged for it that remind me of high school. It's taken me a bit of time to work through my reaction. At first, I wanted to somehow breathe it back it, suck it back inside me to leave no evidence that I had taken the action. Next, I felt embarrassed. Then, surprised by that feeling, I began to explore it with my mind, which is when I realized that I offered an apple's heart to an orange, nothing more or less. No match, no connection, no resonance. I showed who I truly am, and perhaps I could have been more patient with my action and perhaps in that time I would have figured out my instinctive action would not be received.
I don't feel stupid or exposed any more. But by taking this action, I now have a decision to make about the people involved. Is my assessment correct, is it true that there is no connection, and if so, what position should I take now that I know this? In general, I chose to withdraw myself from things that don't have the potential to be truly significant, I chose to not spend my time or energy in a course of action that I know doesn't have the potential to be a valuable investment. I'm not suggesting that I couldn't learn more things from being around these people in the future. I'm just now aware that my natural self doesn't fit with them, so why continue to spend time around people once I know this is true.
I'm still thinking this through, but I believe I've spent my last minutes with this group of people. And I don't think they will miss me, either.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
Facing the Shadow
I've just had another epiphany.
For some time, I've had this lingering sense of guilt, like I'm about to be caught in my incompetence. It has touched my work, but mostly it has been about my household. I've felt overwhelmed by the idea of the amount of maintenance and attention a house takes. (I'm a new homeowner after being a renter for 25 years.) There are so many layers of responsibility in my life that are now centered in this physical space. I run my business from here, I managed my personal and business finances, I'm still unpacking and settling in, I'm deciding what style of decoration suits me, I'm planning some large household maintenance tasks (exterior painting and landscaping), I'm fulfilling responsibilities to clients, I'm working to find balance and nurturing in my spiritual life, I'm striving to make adjustments in my social life, and I'm involved in a couple of projects to improve my health. I'm sure there are more, but those are the ones that jump out right at me.
I've been living with a sense that I'm followed by a shadow of things undone, unnoticed, and they all have consequences--I'll be caught and trapped if I really mess up on any of them. Like having the water cut off if I somehow miss paying the water bill. I've had this sense that someone is going to pull up in my driveway and I'll find out that I'm in big trouble for something I failed to do, and that will just be the start of the undressing, the revealing of my general incompetence. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's been there under the surface for a while now. And for no known reason, it just broke through to my full attention.
Many years ago, 20 years ago, I struggled to work through the issues in my life that seemed to be the product of the triangulation of my upbringing, my personality leanings, and my pattern of thought and action. Fraud guilt was one of the issues back then, a phrase I learned from the pop psychology books I was reading in an attempt to improve myself. It took a while, a few years, and it took working on many issues that truly challenged me to the core--not just the ones that I started out willing to work on.
It was a hard time, hard but very fruitful. During that time, I learned a lot about the process of personal growth, the mileposts of that cycle of experiences, and the nature of my soul. I learned in that time that I'm not who I thought I was. I am the one who observes me going through my day. I'm the one who notices that waves of emotions or thoughts are roiling through me. I'm the one that I join in that quiet meditative place. I have a mind, emotions, and a body, but I am not any of those things. I learned from my experience that I'm more than the physical space I take up, more than the thoughts I have, more than my feelings, more than my actions--even though these things can be vessels of my essence when I am in integrity and honesty with myself.
Once I realized the illusion of daily living, after spending some time attempting to setup a base camp outside of ordinary daily living, I've returned to my life with a zest and vigor that I would not have understood before. It's a balance now to keep both of my realities, both of my lives, mindfully present with me throughout each day. It's very easy in some ways, and always challenging in other ways.
It was this awareness of reality that set me free from so many of the things that I believe trapped me, fraud guilt being one of them. So to see this on the edge of my feelings again is a curious thing. It's something that I must admit to myself, confess to my own soul. I sometimes still feel inadequate for coping with daily living, and I'm feeling a bit of that RIGHT NOW.
Of course, when I stand back and look at the larger picture, I see right away that this small sliver of doubt can't compare to the abundance of evidence of my ability to negotiate daily living. I run my own business, and I've supported myself for more than 10 years this way. I purchased a home that I really enjoy. I do my best to navigate my way through the challenges of living without a huge support system, but with the steady support of wonderful friends. There are people who know and love me. I know that I contribute meaningfully to the lives of others. I'm driven by an image to contribute to the world at large, to release my essence a drop at a time on the surface of the collective unconscious, and to leave those in my wake with a greater sense of who they are and a greater sense of freedom to pursue their own hearts desires.
But as I write these words, tears are running down my cheeks and with a sigh, I release a bit of the sadness that has collected in my heart. Perhaps tonight the dream fairies will gift me with an extraordinary glimpse into how my life looks to those spirits who stand together with me, my guides, teachers, and even my guardian angels. Or better yet, perhaps tonight I'll get out of the way of my own heart as it shows me again the divine being I truly am. It seems that I could use a dose of remembering.
For some time, I've had this lingering sense of guilt, like I'm about to be caught in my incompetence. It has touched my work, but mostly it has been about my household. I've felt overwhelmed by the idea of the amount of maintenance and attention a house takes. (I'm a new homeowner after being a renter for 25 years.) There are so many layers of responsibility in my life that are now centered in this physical space. I run my business from here, I managed my personal and business finances, I'm still unpacking and settling in, I'm deciding what style of decoration suits me, I'm planning some large household maintenance tasks (exterior painting and landscaping), I'm fulfilling responsibilities to clients, I'm working to find balance and nurturing in my spiritual life, I'm striving to make adjustments in my social life, and I'm involved in a couple of projects to improve my health. I'm sure there are more, but those are the ones that jump out right at me.
I've been living with a sense that I'm followed by a shadow of things undone, unnoticed, and they all have consequences--I'll be caught and trapped if I really mess up on any of them. Like having the water cut off if I somehow miss paying the water bill. I've had this sense that someone is going to pull up in my driveway and I'll find out that I'm in big trouble for something I failed to do, and that will just be the start of the undressing, the revealing of my general incompetence. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's been there under the surface for a while now. And for no known reason, it just broke through to my full attention.
Many years ago, 20 years ago, I struggled to work through the issues in my life that seemed to be the product of the triangulation of my upbringing, my personality leanings, and my pattern of thought and action. Fraud guilt was one of the issues back then, a phrase I learned from the pop psychology books I was reading in an attempt to improve myself. It took a while, a few years, and it took working on many issues that truly challenged me to the core--not just the ones that I started out willing to work on.
It was a hard time, hard but very fruitful. During that time, I learned a lot about the process of personal growth, the mileposts of that cycle of experiences, and the nature of my soul. I learned in that time that I'm not who I thought I was. I am the one who observes me going through my day. I'm the one who notices that waves of emotions or thoughts are roiling through me. I'm the one that I join in that quiet meditative place. I have a mind, emotions, and a body, but I am not any of those things. I learned from my experience that I'm more than the physical space I take up, more than the thoughts I have, more than my feelings, more than my actions--even though these things can be vessels of my essence when I am in integrity and honesty with myself.
Once I realized the illusion of daily living, after spending some time attempting to setup a base camp outside of ordinary daily living, I've returned to my life with a zest and vigor that I would not have understood before. It's a balance now to keep both of my realities, both of my lives, mindfully present with me throughout each day. It's very easy in some ways, and always challenging in other ways.
It was this awareness of reality that set me free from so many of the things that I believe trapped me, fraud guilt being one of them. So to see this on the edge of my feelings again is a curious thing. It's something that I must admit to myself, confess to my own soul. I sometimes still feel inadequate for coping with daily living, and I'm feeling a bit of that RIGHT NOW.
Of course, when I stand back and look at the larger picture, I see right away that this small sliver of doubt can't compare to the abundance of evidence of my ability to negotiate daily living. I run my own business, and I've supported myself for more than 10 years this way. I purchased a home that I really enjoy. I do my best to navigate my way through the challenges of living without a huge support system, but with the steady support of wonderful friends. There are people who know and love me. I know that I contribute meaningfully to the lives of others. I'm driven by an image to contribute to the world at large, to release my essence a drop at a time on the surface of the collective unconscious, and to leave those in my wake with a greater sense of who they are and a greater sense of freedom to pursue their own hearts desires.
But as I write these words, tears are running down my cheeks and with a sigh, I release a bit of the sadness that has collected in my heart. Perhaps tonight the dream fairies will gift me with an extraordinary glimpse into how my life looks to those spirits who stand together with me, my guides, teachers, and even my guardian angels. Or better yet, perhaps tonight I'll get out of the way of my own heart as it shows me again the divine being I truly am. It seems that I could use a dose of remembering.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Churn, Churn, Churn
Today was supposed to be my day off work and away from the computer, but I found myself sitting here many times throughout the day. The worst part is that I found myself thinking about work while I was doing other things, and thinking through some conversations I need to have on Monday. I really hate when "work at home" flips to "live at work," and that is what happened to me today.
At the same time, I'm really invigorated by all of the work-related projects that are going on. They are juicy projects, things that I'm eager to dig into. Designs to consider, new tools to learn and master, all on a good base on transferred skills. There are a lot of times in my work where it's a while between the fun and the completion, long laps around the track where discipline and the joy of the journey are my best companions. But now, there are new starts, small projects with highly visible payoffs, and the fun of having so many things going on at the same time. It's a good time, and I'm enjoying myself appropriately.
If I can only find some solace and quiet for my mind, which is much more interested in the excitement than meditation these days. I know I can't indulge that, or the thinking will slip into churning, and it will lose flavor like an old piece of gum. Tomorrow is a new week, with a fresh start, the new discipline of three for me, and lots of fun things on my desk to dive into. I'm ready for a great week.
At the same time, I'm really invigorated by all of the work-related projects that are going on. They are juicy projects, things that I'm eager to dig into. Designs to consider, new tools to learn and master, all on a good base on transferred skills. There are a lot of times in my work where it's a while between the fun and the completion, long laps around the track where discipline and the joy of the journey are my best companions. But now, there are new starts, small projects with highly visible payoffs, and the fun of having so many things going on at the same time. It's a good time, and I'm enjoying myself appropriately.
If I can only find some solace and quiet for my mind, which is much more interested in the excitement than meditation these days. I know I can't indulge that, or the thinking will slip into churning, and it will lose flavor like an old piece of gum. Tomorrow is a new week, with a fresh start, the new discipline of three for me, and lots of fun things on my desk to dive into. I'm ready for a great week.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Indulging Myself
I've just been out shopping. I had a shopping list of things I needed to purchase, but I also picked up several pure indulgences--things that I've wanted to own for a long time, found today at a good price, and brought home. I lived for a few years with a restricted income and today I'm wondering if I've opened the hole in my wallet too far. Today's brick-and-mortar shopping follows yesterday's online shopping, where I purchased two domain names, web hosting for a year for both, a robust email service, and a few other website goodies. And while yesterday's purchases were business expenses and today's were purely personal, the truth is that they both came out of the same bank account!
My client sent me the balance of what they have owed me for a while and I deposited the check this morning. I certainly had physical evidence of material abundance, more than the great sense of abundance I strive to live within. I haven't gone crazy, but I certainly can't keep spending at this rate. I could get by with it for another day, or a few, but pretty soon I'd be close to trouble.
On the one hand, it is nice to be able to buy curtains to cover the windows that have only had the minimal blinds for the two years I've lived here. It's nice to add a few items to continue to personalize my space. The big splurge today, the table top fountain from Lowe's (similar to this one), is something I've wanted for many years, and I'm very excited to have it. I've got so many packages and purchases waiting for installation, assembly, etc. that it will take me a couple of weekends to get these things incorporated into my house.
On the other hand, I've certainly learned that the wanting of something, the pure joy of thinking about options of what is available, and mentally trying them on while deciding what I want to purchase is the most juicy experience of all. Yes, I'll be very happy to see the curtains hanging in the family room, and for a while, I will get a great joy every time I see them. But I used to get that same joy every time I'd open the Penney's catalog to the curtain section, stop into a Linens 'N Things store, or browser shop online for them.
There is so much pure joy in the appreciation of the choices that are available to me to fulfill my little projects, domestic or business or any other kind. It's not just fun though, I think it gives me a bit of training each time that I try new combinations or see an unexpected use for something. It feeds my creativity in a realm, which I believe feeds all of my creativity. I think working on the landscaping plan for my driveway garden helps me to write better, and helps me to choose curtain and pillow colors better. It cross-pollenates everything creative. It keeps me feeling juicy and fresh and vibrantly alive.
In the recent weeks, I've come to distinguish this kind of pure appreciation desire I exercise from another kind of desire, one based on need. I remember in my past that I would want something badly, and it was based on a need for it rather than an appreciation for it. When I see artwork today that I love, for example, the thought may cross my mind that I'd love to have that available to me to view in my home, but I'm just as happy to stand there and enjoy it (or to bookmark the image at an art website like Art.com for future enjoyment) as I am with the idea of purchasing it. There is a love slash joy with this kind of desire, the love being my ability to completely let go of any ownership of it. I'm just happy to rendevous with it and have the chance to enjoy it. I know there is a constant stream of future experiences with other art (or lovely items) in my future. There's no need to make my home into a museum of things I saw once and loved. After a while, there would be no room for new loves, my walls cluttered with past loves, including some that I would no longer feel the love for. That wouldn't be a happy place to live.
I have embraced a philosophy of life that encourages this kind of desire. But in the past, I have studied schools of thought that prohibited desire, taught us to reduce or eliminate desire as a spiritual discipline. By using the word "desire" for both things, I realize that I have created a dichotomy in my experience, but I believe this is only a linguistic dichotomy. I believe that these pure desires I experience today, the love slash joy kind of desire, is not the same desire I was being taught to release. The love slash joy desire is more of an appreciation of beauty, a recognition of divine truth (beauty is truth, truth beauty...Keats). The need kind of desire comes from a completely different place, from a heart that feels itself incomplete without the object of desire. I'm going to explore the language of this to see if I can find some clarity in how I express these ideas, and see if I can't avoid the word "desire" for both.
And now, to be true to myself, the shopping spree must end. I've got two websites to build, a fountain to assemble, and some curtains to hang before anything else new comes into this space. This is the way I honor myself, by completing the process that I started with the weeks of selections, and now have made material by the purchases. It's not finished until they are in their place in my life. And so I commit to the follow through as another act of positive self indulgence.
----------------
Added on 25 Sept:
OMG, the new curtains look beautiful! The room is starting to feel finished. It really changes the accoustics, the room is much quieter, too! This is a fabulous thing.
My client sent me the balance of what they have owed me for a while and I deposited the check this morning. I certainly had physical evidence of material abundance, more than the great sense of abundance I strive to live within. I haven't gone crazy, but I certainly can't keep spending at this rate. I could get by with it for another day, or a few, but pretty soon I'd be close to trouble.
On the one hand, it is nice to be able to buy curtains to cover the windows that have only had the minimal blinds for the two years I've lived here. It's nice to add a few items to continue to personalize my space. The big splurge today, the table top fountain from Lowe's (similar to this one), is something I've wanted for many years, and I'm very excited to have it. I've got so many packages and purchases waiting for installation, assembly, etc. that it will take me a couple of weekends to get these things incorporated into my house.
On the other hand, I've certainly learned that the wanting of something, the pure joy of thinking about options of what is available, and mentally trying them on while deciding what I want to purchase is the most juicy experience of all. Yes, I'll be very happy to see the curtains hanging in the family room, and for a while, I will get a great joy every time I see them. But I used to get that same joy every time I'd open the Penney's catalog to the curtain section, stop into a Linens 'N Things store, or browser shop online for them.
There is so much pure joy in the appreciation of the choices that are available to me to fulfill my little projects, domestic or business or any other kind. It's not just fun though, I think it gives me a bit of training each time that I try new combinations or see an unexpected use for something. It feeds my creativity in a realm, which I believe feeds all of my creativity. I think working on the landscaping plan for my driveway garden helps me to write better, and helps me to choose curtain and pillow colors better. It cross-pollenates everything creative. It keeps me feeling juicy and fresh and vibrantly alive.
In the recent weeks, I've come to distinguish this kind of pure appreciation desire I exercise from another kind of desire, one based on need. I remember in my past that I would want something badly, and it was based on a need for it rather than an appreciation for it. When I see artwork today that I love, for example, the thought may cross my mind that I'd love to have that available to me to view in my home, but I'm just as happy to stand there and enjoy it (or to bookmark the image at an art website like Art.com for future enjoyment) as I am with the idea of purchasing it. There is a love slash joy with this kind of desire, the love being my ability to completely let go of any ownership of it. I'm just happy to rendevous with it and have the chance to enjoy it. I know there is a constant stream of future experiences with other art (or lovely items) in my future. There's no need to make my home into a museum of things I saw once and loved. After a while, there would be no room for new loves, my walls cluttered with past loves, including some that I would no longer feel the love for. That wouldn't be a happy place to live.
I have embraced a philosophy of life that encourages this kind of desire. But in the past, I have studied schools of thought that prohibited desire, taught us to reduce or eliminate desire as a spiritual discipline. By using the word "desire" for both things, I realize that I have created a dichotomy in my experience, but I believe this is only a linguistic dichotomy. I believe that these pure desires I experience today, the love slash joy kind of desire, is not the same desire I was being taught to release. The love slash joy desire is more of an appreciation of beauty, a recognition of divine truth (beauty is truth, truth beauty...Keats). The need kind of desire comes from a completely different place, from a heart that feels itself incomplete without the object of desire. I'm going to explore the language of this to see if I can find some clarity in how I express these ideas, and see if I can't avoid the word "desire" for both.
And now, to be true to myself, the shopping spree must end. I've got two websites to build, a fountain to assemble, and some curtains to hang before anything else new comes into this space. This is the way I honor myself, by completing the process that I started with the weeks of selections, and now have made material by the purchases. It's not finished until they are in their place in my life. And so I commit to the follow through as another act of positive self indulgence.
----------------
Added on 25 Sept:
OMG, the new curtains look beautiful! The room is starting to feel finished. It really changes the accoustics, the room is much quieter, too! This is a fabulous thing.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Signposts, Progress & Intentions
I wonder sometimes if what I think of as progress in my personal life is really just an illusion. I wonder this because there are other times when I know things are good and I'm doing well and I'm on target. Then there are long periods of time where I get focused on goals, on projects, and on my progress towards the ends.
In the last week, I've been through another one of those cycles, where I had my epiphany and *knew* that I was speaking the truth to myself and that I was right on target. There is a clarity in that space, and it is more like breathing thin air at a high altitude than the rawness of being on the cutting/bleeding edge. There is no discomfort in it. It's invigorating, refreshing, and it feels vitally alive.
I've learned many of the basic truths of life, and one of them is the cyclical nature of everything. The life-death-rebirth cycle that appears everywhere. No one is static, no process is static, no feeling ever lasts. Until recently, I thought that after that moment of revelation, that moment of *knowing* passes, it was a natural change as the wheel of life keeps moving forward.
But today, I find myself wondering again just how much of this transit time between moments of clarity is impacted by a numbness brought on by illusion. As the wheel turns, am I being rocked to sleep in some parts of my awareness by the motion? Is there another type of clarity that I can experience between these peaks?
Since I wrote several days about about my need to start doing my best, I've really done that. It's been a good week, full of accomplishments and a serious chipping away at the list of niggling things. The mantra "three for me" has brought me much progress on many levels in my life, and I can see that progress reflected back to me in my surroundings. What was cluttered and chaotic now has order and is approaching sparkling clean.
I walked through the house this afternoon and observed this improvement and smiled to myself, and gave myself credit for this accomplishment, an acknowledgement of my intention and consistency of action in response to a revelation. I'm doing well. But since that time, the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps I'm looking in the wrong place to take the pulse of my true progress. In my current situation, the clutter was a symptom of what I called the "salad spinner" effect on my priorities. But I am a person who lives for long periods of time when the physical world around me remains neat and tidy. So for me, is reaching a state of order really a signpost?
Yes. And no.
In the parts of my life where order is a challenge, to find order appearing because of an intentional effort in that direction is a good sign. Seeing the clutter replaced with order around me this week is a good sign. In the areas where I struggle, where order isn't my norm, then order can be a good sign.
At the same time, it can be easy to pull together the outer world through actions instead of changing the inner world. The desktop can be neat, while the drawers of my inner life are chaotic, and that order is not a good sign.
I seem to have a rather complex system for measuring how I'm doing. I look at each of the following factors, and look for a combination of them before assuming any meaning:
In the last week, I've been through another one of those cycles, where I had my epiphany and *knew* that I was speaking the truth to myself and that I was right on target. There is a clarity in that space, and it is more like breathing thin air at a high altitude than the rawness of being on the cutting/bleeding edge. There is no discomfort in it. It's invigorating, refreshing, and it feels vitally alive.
I've learned many of the basic truths of life, and one of them is the cyclical nature of everything. The life-death-rebirth cycle that appears everywhere. No one is static, no process is static, no feeling ever lasts. Until recently, I thought that after that moment of revelation, that moment of *knowing* passes, it was a natural change as the wheel of life keeps moving forward.
But today, I find myself wondering again just how much of this transit time between moments of clarity is impacted by a numbness brought on by illusion. As the wheel turns, am I being rocked to sleep in some parts of my awareness by the motion? Is there another type of clarity that I can experience between these peaks?
Since I wrote several days about about my need to start doing my best, I've really done that. It's been a good week, full of accomplishments and a serious chipping away at the list of niggling things. The mantra "three for me" has brought me much progress on many levels in my life, and I can see that progress reflected back to me in my surroundings. What was cluttered and chaotic now has order and is approaching sparkling clean.
I walked through the house this afternoon and observed this improvement and smiled to myself, and gave myself credit for this accomplishment, an acknowledgement of my intention and consistency of action in response to a revelation. I'm doing well. But since that time, the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps I'm looking in the wrong place to take the pulse of my true progress. In my current situation, the clutter was a symptom of what I called the "salad spinner" effect on my priorities. But I am a person who lives for long periods of time when the physical world around me remains neat and tidy. So for me, is reaching a state of order really a signpost?
Yes. And no.
In the parts of my life where order is a challenge, to find order appearing because of an intentional effort in that direction is a good sign. Seeing the clutter replaced with order around me this week is a good sign. In the areas where I struggle, where order isn't my norm, then order can be a good sign.
At the same time, it can be easy to pull together the outer world through actions instead of changing the inner world. The desktop can be neat, while the drawers of my inner life are chaotic, and that order is not a good sign.
I seem to have a rather complex system for measuring how I'm doing. I look at each of the following factors, and look for a combination of them before assuming any meaning:
- How well am I providing for myself? Am I out of supplies and groceries, or am I keeping a shopping list and stocking up before I'm dry?
- Am I starting my day with yoga and meditation?
- Am I up while it is still dark? (In the summer, it's light so early here thanks to the lack of daylight savings time that watch the clock rather than the light to measure this one.)
- Am I eating healthy choices in regular portions? Or am I junking or snacking?
- How much of my free time is spent in purely mental pursuits vs. whole body/soul pursuits?
- What messages am I getting from my body?
I don't feel like I'm getting to the heart of my issue in this writing, I feel that there is still a cloud of confusion in my thinking. What I'm talking about is finding a way to track the spiritual richness of my life vs. the spiritual poverty of it. It's about watching my behavior and my patterns of decisions. It's about me reaching a point of *knowing* about how to track myself. I haven't found that yet.
I do believe there are lifestyle decisions and patterns of action that enhance or reduce the spiritual richness of a life. I intend to be a person who values spiritual richness and seeks it in every possible form in my life. I intend to take the inner journey over the outer journey, to value intention and emotional health over action and the results of applied actions. I intend to be a person whose interactions with the universe come first from an energetic level and then translate that into thoughts, beliefs, and then actions. I intend to be a person who looks for sign posts on the energetic level before the physical level.
In my reading today, I was challenged by an entry by Beth in Confessions about spiritual poverty. And while I appreciate the thoughts behind the actions taken in her story, I recommit myself to a path of spiritual richness that comes from the inner journey primarily.
Great Spirit, give me the wisdom to understand what I see and feel in my own heart so that I may come to *know* how I'm doing and how to get myself back on track when that is necessary. Help me to find the energetic solutions to my physical world challenges, and to truly understand the significance of outward events, and the lack of significance of action when taken out of synch with the inner journey. Continue to show me how to be the woman of integrity I intend to be. It is so.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Three for Me
In the last week, I've discovered a personal tool that really helps me keep myself in balance. I'm calling it "Three for Me" because that is it -- a mantra and a commitment to do three things for myself each day. I started out saying I'd do five things a day, and then stumbled onto this phrase "three for me" and liked the sound of it.
I'm now blocking out my day with iterations of my personal care trifectate. I'm doing "three for me" before I start my work day. I'm taking a "three for me" break in the work day. I'm doing "three for me" before I go to bed. It's turned out to be a wonderfully motivating and fulfilling idea. It's inspiring me to take on small things for myself, and helps me to find a balance between the crashing waves of work before me, and the small joys of daily living. It's like pepper added to a dish that supports the wonderful tastes already there and adds just a hint of something new.
Writing this entry was part of my lunch time "three for me."
I'm now blocking out my day with iterations of my personal care trifectate. I'm doing "three for me" before I start my work day. I'm taking a "three for me" break in the work day. I'm doing "three for me" before I go to bed. It's turned out to be a wonderfully motivating and fulfilling idea. It's inspiring me to take on small things for myself, and helps me to find a balance between the crashing waves of work before me, and the small joys of daily living. It's like pepper added to a dish that supports the wonderful tastes already there and adds just a hint of something new.
Writing this entry was part of my lunch time "three for me."
Sunday, September 18, 2005
The Calm in the Center
In the last few days, I've been making great progress. I'm getting my work done with great clarity. I'm bringing order back to my house. I'm taking the time to do the things for myself that I've neglected. It feels good.
Last night, I spent some time working on projects for my house. I live in the desert, in a place where grass lawns are infrequent and seem to me as an overly indulgent use of water. My home is surrounded by two types of crushed stone, a golden toned smaller size in the front, and a larger size in the back. There are five trees and three shrubs on the property. In the front is a Chinese elm, and a queen palm. In the back, I'm blessed with a lemon, orange, and palmelo (grapefruit). The shrubs are a Texas sage, an unknown tall grass, and papyrus. But mostly the yard is crushed stone.
The first project I worked on was really fun. I've got an idea to post some road signs in the yard, the kinds of signs that point in the direction of the destination and give the mileage. I spent some time thinking of my favorite places on Earth and some new places I want to see. I found a great site that gives the distance from one location to another, but found that it couldn't find some of the international locations I was giving it. When I realized that I could put in longitude and latitude instead of the place name, I spent about an hour looking up the remaining places. I now have a list of places to post on my road signs. I think I will put up several of them, each with a theme.
The first would be sacred places on Earth, and would include the following (all distances given from my home in the Phoenix metro area):
Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA - 369 miles (E-NE)
Rapa Nui (Easter Island) - 4162 miles (S)
Cades Cove, Great Smoky Mountain National Park, Tennessee, USA - 1616 miles (E-NE)
Yellow Springs, Ohio, USA - 1606 miles (E-NE)
Port Orford, Oregon, USA - 949 miles (NW)
Mont Saint Michel, Normandy, France - 5348 miles (NE)
Galapagos, Equador - 2388 miles (S)
Hari Mandir, Amritsar, Punjab, India - 7941 miles (N)
Lhasa, Tibet - 7845 miles (N-NW)
Machu Picchu, Peru - 4112 miles (SE)
Babylon, Iraq - 7647 miles (N-NE)
Mt Shasta, California, USA - 773 miles (NW)
Ubud, Bali, Indonesia - 8997 miles (W-NW)
Taktsang, Bhutan - 9343 miles (N-NW)
Sedona, Arizona, USA - 64 miles (NW)
I believe that by placing a road sign for these places in my yard, it connects me to those places. Some of the names you may recognize, but others are sacred places that I've discovered in my own journeys.
The second road sign would contain these places that I've wanted to visit for some time, or places that I want to make a return visit.
Casablanca, Morocco - 5698 miles (NE)
Kathmandu, Nepal - 8078 miles (N-NW)
London, England - 5279 miles (NE)
Gibraltar - 5701 miles (NE)
Red Square, Moscow, Russia - 6037 miles (N-NW)
Sydney, Australia - 7802 miles (W-SW)
Venice, Italy - 5983 miles (NE)
Baltimore, Maryland, USA - 1991 miles (E-NE)
San Clemente, California, USA - 338 miles (W)
Pismo Beach, California, USA - 525 miles (W-NW)
Kingston, Tasmania, Australia - 8480 miles (W-SW)
Kingston, Norfolk Island, Australia - 6781 miles (W-SW)
Kingston-on-Thames, England - 5277 miles (NE)
Kingston, Ohio, USA - 1655 miles (E-NE)
Cape Town, South Africa - 9602 miles (E-SE)
But the second project was even more fun. Except for the three citrus trees, my back yard is a bare canvas, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do back there. When I'm done, it will be lush using xeriscape plants, a bit tropical, and with lots of places I can walk with bare feet. In the center, I'm going to install a labyrinth. I spent time revisiting some of the labyrinth sites, including the Labyrinth Society, reviewing tips for building them, and lists of labyrinths in famous sites. Then, I discovered a labyrinth locator and discovered some close to home that I can explore! I'm so excited about this idea, it has really invigorated my back yard planning. Most of the people I know won't get it, but I'm excited to discover which of my family and friends will get it and enjoy walking it as much as I will.
There is a theme in both of these projects. Walking a labyrinth is a physical expression of walking a spiritual path, and the intention for walking it is to reach your center where you can clearly hear the wisdom from your own heart. The road sign project also puts me into the center, like the hub of a wheel with spokes reaching outward to the energies of places I love or want to visit, some of them sacred sites, others just beautiful places, but all with a genus loci that I want to pull towards me.
Last night, I spent some time working on projects for my house. I live in the desert, in a place where grass lawns are infrequent and seem to me as an overly indulgent use of water. My home is surrounded by two types of crushed stone, a golden toned smaller size in the front, and a larger size in the back. There are five trees and three shrubs on the property. In the front is a Chinese elm, and a queen palm. In the back, I'm blessed with a lemon, orange, and palmelo (grapefruit). The shrubs are a Texas sage, an unknown tall grass, and papyrus. But mostly the yard is crushed stone.
The first project I worked on was really fun. I've got an idea to post some road signs in the yard, the kinds of signs that point in the direction of the destination and give the mileage. I spent some time thinking of my favorite places on Earth and some new places I want to see. I found a great site that gives the distance from one location to another, but found that it couldn't find some of the international locations I was giving it. When I realized that I could put in longitude and latitude instead of the place name, I spent about an hour looking up the remaining places. I now have a list of places to post on my road signs. I think I will put up several of them, each with a theme.
The first would be sacred places on Earth, and would include the following (all distances given from my home in the Phoenix metro area):
Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA - 369 miles (E-NE)
Rapa Nui (Easter Island) - 4162 miles (S)
Cades Cove, Great Smoky Mountain National Park, Tennessee, USA - 1616 miles (E-NE)
Yellow Springs, Ohio, USA - 1606 miles (E-NE)
Port Orford, Oregon, USA - 949 miles (NW)
Mont Saint Michel, Normandy, France - 5348 miles (NE)
Galapagos, Equador - 2388 miles (S)
Hari Mandir, Amritsar, Punjab, India - 7941 miles (N)
Lhasa, Tibet - 7845 miles (N-NW)
Machu Picchu, Peru - 4112 miles (SE)
Babylon, Iraq - 7647 miles (N-NE)
Mt Shasta, California, USA - 773 miles (NW)
Ubud, Bali, Indonesia - 8997 miles (W-NW)
Taktsang, Bhutan - 9343 miles (N-NW)
Sedona, Arizona, USA - 64 miles (NW)
I believe that by placing a road sign for these places in my yard, it connects me to those places. Some of the names you may recognize, but others are sacred places that I've discovered in my own journeys.
The second road sign would contain these places that I've wanted to visit for some time, or places that I want to make a return visit.
Casablanca, Morocco - 5698 miles (NE)
Kathmandu, Nepal - 8078 miles (N-NW)
London, England - 5279 miles (NE)
Gibraltar - 5701 miles (NE)
Red Square, Moscow, Russia - 6037 miles (N-NW)
Sydney, Australia - 7802 miles (W-SW)
Venice, Italy - 5983 miles (NE)
Baltimore, Maryland, USA - 1991 miles (E-NE)
San Clemente, California, USA - 338 miles (W)
Pismo Beach, California, USA - 525 miles (W-NW)
Kingston, Tasmania, Australia - 8480 miles (W-SW)
Kingston, Norfolk Island, Australia - 6781 miles (W-SW)
Kingston-on-Thames, England - 5277 miles (NE)
Kingston, Ohio, USA - 1655 miles (E-NE)
Cape Town, South Africa - 9602 miles (E-SE)
But the second project was even more fun. Except for the three citrus trees, my back yard is a bare canvas, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do back there. When I'm done, it will be lush using xeriscape plants, a bit tropical, and with lots of places I can walk with bare feet. In the center, I'm going to install a labyrinth. I spent time revisiting some of the labyrinth sites, including the Labyrinth Society, reviewing tips for building them, and lists of labyrinths in famous sites. Then, I discovered a labyrinth locator and discovered some close to home that I can explore! I'm so excited about this idea, it has really invigorated my back yard planning. Most of the people I know won't get it, but I'm excited to discover which of my family and friends will get it and enjoy walking it as much as I will.
There is a theme in both of these projects. Walking a labyrinth is a physical expression of walking a spiritual path, and the intention for walking it is to reach your center where you can clearly hear the wisdom from your own heart. The road sign project also puts me into the center, like the hub of a wheel with spokes reaching outward to the energies of places I love or want to visit, some of them sacred sites, others just beautiful places, but all with a genus loci that I want to pull towards me.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Keeping the Grandness of My Life
For the last few days, no weeks, I've been floundering. I knew working too much would have the effect of a salad spinner in my life, tossing aside everything that wasn't central to my focus. But those things were not fluff, some of them were very important. Since finishing the project, I've struggled a bit at first to just rest and then to pull myself back together. I've rested, and I've continued to flounder.
But last night, I had a moment of clarity. I was watching a TV show I had recorded from the weekend, something pretty mindless that I enjoy. I'm not really sure what setup the environment for my refection and moment of clarity, but it happened anyway. In that moment, I just understood what is going on in my life, it was like a flash of light, not like a revelation that unfolds. I just knew. And my reaction was just as solid. I paused the TV to talk out loud to myself, to state my intention and have my own voice carry the vibration I had just set in my soul.
In that moment, part of what I realized was that I'm not at this time doing my best. There are things I know to do that I'm not doing. And so I chose to do them. I promised myself to resolve the niggling undone things in my environment. I've started a list of them, and I must work on them every day before I start any work. It's important to pull my life back, to reweave the threads that are coming undone on the edges. I can't control the events in my life, but I can continue to choose to focus on my own priorities and set my course of action along that route. Plenty of things can happen that cause me to adjust my course, but my primary intention is to set my own vibration, my own priorities, and my own life course. This I can do. I can lead myself through my life instead of just reacting to the things around me.
I had an epiphany when I was in my middle 20s. I was riding in a car with a friend, driving through a run down section of Dayton, Ohio, a section that was packed with Victorian style homes that at one time must have been grand. But in my life, they were run down, surrounded by poverty, and unkempt. I saw an older man sitting on the porch, and I wondered if he had lived there since the grand times, and if he just stayed in place while things unraveled around him until he was too old, too set in his ways, too sick, too poor, to move away now. My lesson was that I don't know what may happen to me in my life, but if I end up stranded in a dump of a life that only shows a few signs of the grandness that was before, I didn't want it to be because I had made a pattern of bad choices that led me there.
Last night, I reaffirmed my commitment to living my life as a pattern of the best choices I can make in each moment. It will take a while to clear out the clutter, to lose some weight, and to take care of the ignored issues in my life. It will feel great when I suddenly realize that the messy things are resolved. But it feels just as great to know that in this moment I'm on a journey that I've chosen to take, and that I'm setting my own course for the best life I can create from this spot.
But last night, I had a moment of clarity. I was watching a TV show I had recorded from the weekend, something pretty mindless that I enjoy. I'm not really sure what setup the environment for my refection and moment of clarity, but it happened anyway. In that moment, I just understood what is going on in my life, it was like a flash of light, not like a revelation that unfolds. I just knew. And my reaction was just as solid. I paused the TV to talk out loud to myself, to state my intention and have my own voice carry the vibration I had just set in my soul.
In that moment, part of what I realized was that I'm not at this time doing my best. There are things I know to do that I'm not doing. And so I chose to do them. I promised myself to resolve the niggling undone things in my environment. I've started a list of them, and I must work on them every day before I start any work. It's important to pull my life back, to reweave the threads that are coming undone on the edges. I can't control the events in my life, but I can continue to choose to focus on my own priorities and set my course of action along that route. Plenty of things can happen that cause me to adjust my course, but my primary intention is to set my own vibration, my own priorities, and my own life course. This I can do. I can lead myself through my life instead of just reacting to the things around me.
I had an epiphany when I was in my middle 20s. I was riding in a car with a friend, driving through a run down section of Dayton, Ohio, a section that was packed with Victorian style homes that at one time must have been grand. But in my life, they were run down, surrounded by poverty, and unkempt. I saw an older man sitting on the porch, and I wondered if he had lived there since the grand times, and if he just stayed in place while things unraveled around him until he was too old, too set in his ways, too sick, too poor, to move away now. My lesson was that I don't know what may happen to me in my life, but if I end up stranded in a dump of a life that only shows a few signs of the grandness that was before, I didn't want it to be because I had made a pattern of bad choices that led me there.
Last night, I reaffirmed my commitment to living my life as a pattern of the best choices I can make in each moment. It will take a while to clear out the clutter, to lose some weight, and to take care of the ignored issues in my life. It will feel great when I suddenly realize that the messy things are resolved. But it feels just as great to know that in this moment I'm on a journey that I've chosen to take, and that I'm setting my own course for the best life I can create from this spot.
Friday, September 09, 2005
False Sense of Security
There's a lot of angry talk about who is responsible for not preventing the disaster in New Orleans, and why more wasn't done sooner. I really don't want to jump into that battle. But I ran across an article today that shows that the threat was well known, even though I had never heard of it before last week. This article was from almost a year ago, and yet it tells the story of last week's disaster with uncanny reality.
I suspect that the local/state government in this area had grown so used to tricking the environment that they had a false sense of security. One lesson I have taken away from this disaster is that I don't want to do what everyone else does just because they feel safe. I live in the desert, which has its own environmental concerns, but poses no weather-related threat like living below sea-level. But I've examined many areas of my life in these last few days, looking for places where I might be blindly following the crowd down a path that leads to the top of a cliff. I'm asking myself: what risks truly exist, even if they have been talked down, in the areas of my health, fiscal management, work, etc. What if the assumptions I've made are wrong, what if something else quite different happens? How would it impact me? How can I minimize my exposure to these risks? How can I be smarter than I am right now in my own life?
I encourage you to think about your own life. While you are working through your own thoughts and feelings around this disaster and taking whatever action you can to support those suddenly in need, think about what false sense of security might be hiding a true risk in your own life, and plan a course of action to protect yourself. The wisest thing we can do is learn from the mistakes of others.
I suspect that the local/state government in this area had grown so used to tricking the environment that they had a false sense of security. One lesson I have taken away from this disaster is that I don't want to do what everyone else does just because they feel safe. I live in the desert, which has its own environmental concerns, but poses no weather-related threat like living below sea-level. But I've examined many areas of my life in these last few days, looking for places where I might be blindly following the crowd down a path that leads to the top of a cliff. I'm asking myself: what risks truly exist, even if they have been talked down, in the areas of my health, fiscal management, work, etc. What if the assumptions I've made are wrong, what if something else quite different happens? How would it impact me? How can I minimize my exposure to these risks? How can I be smarter than I am right now in my own life?
I encourage you to think about your own life. While you are working through your own thoughts and feelings around this disaster and taking whatever action you can to support those suddenly in need, think about what false sense of security might be hiding a true risk in your own life, and plan a course of action to protect yourself. The wisest thing we can do is learn from the mistakes of others.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Decompression
I always forget how long it takes to decompress after an intense assignment. I've just spent most of the last 5 days doing almost nothing. I've picked up very little after myself during this time, making a mess of the house. I had such plans for things to accomplish, projects to complete, reading to do... and none of it was done. In fact, during much of this time, I physically felt out of sorts, not sick but certainly not energized. My sleep cycle is off, I've been napping during the days, unable to sleep through the night, and I'm wide awake at nearly my wake-up time and I haven't slept yet tonight.
On Thursday, I kept struggling to figure out what to do with myself. I had so much work rattling around in my head that I kept finding myself working at the computer. I made notes of what I need to do on Tuesday, and the notes take up 3 typed pages. I couldn't pull my head out of the whirl of ideas related to the project. I got over that by Friday. But now, I'm facing a return to work in a few hours and I've got distractions everywhere in the house in the form of unfinished chores and projects I want to do. Even the laundry needs attention. The only real accomplishment during this time was that trip to the grocery so I have enough food stuffs around to have decent meals for a few more days.
I had hoped that if I came in here with the intention to write that something miraculous would happen, that I'd discover some incredible insight into my recent experience or write something that felt important about my journey. I don't feel any of that has happened. This is a mundane reporting of my situation and the cycle of my work experience. Perhaps all I had hoped was that I would break through the veneer of disconnection I'm feeling to connect with something of substance that I know is within me but seems to be out of reach right now. What do I expect? I allowed my life to be out of balance for two months with an overemphasis on work. I understood why I did this, and why I thought it was important. I don't regret the decision, I guess I'm just a bit surprised at how slowly I'm bouncing back. I guess I expected something different. But I think the truth is that this is normally what happens.
I am proud that I've made it through this time without making myself sick. I've had a couple of physical symptoms pop up, some new ones at that, and I've figured out how to smooth them out. Considering all, I've kept a pretty healthy balance in my life during this time. I'm eager to start the next phase of my life, which I feel starts just as soon as I snap out of this lethargy. I'm aching to be more active, to be outside more, and to eat really well. It's amazing how I'm longing for good food, fresh produce especially. I'll see how this plays out in the next few weeks.
I'm starting to yawn, always a good sign, so I'm off to the Land of Nod.
On Thursday, I kept struggling to figure out what to do with myself. I had so much work rattling around in my head that I kept finding myself working at the computer. I made notes of what I need to do on Tuesday, and the notes take up 3 typed pages. I couldn't pull my head out of the whirl of ideas related to the project. I got over that by Friday. But now, I'm facing a return to work in a few hours and I've got distractions everywhere in the house in the form of unfinished chores and projects I want to do. Even the laundry needs attention. The only real accomplishment during this time was that trip to the grocery so I have enough food stuffs around to have decent meals for a few more days.
I had hoped that if I came in here with the intention to write that something miraculous would happen, that I'd discover some incredible insight into my recent experience or write something that felt important about my journey. I don't feel any of that has happened. This is a mundane reporting of my situation and the cycle of my work experience. Perhaps all I had hoped was that I would break through the veneer of disconnection I'm feeling to connect with something of substance that I know is within me but seems to be out of reach right now. What do I expect? I allowed my life to be out of balance for two months with an overemphasis on work. I understood why I did this, and why I thought it was important. I don't regret the decision, I guess I'm just a bit surprised at how slowly I'm bouncing back. I guess I expected something different. But I think the truth is that this is normally what happens.
I am proud that I've made it through this time without making myself sick. I've had a couple of physical symptoms pop up, some new ones at that, and I've figured out how to smooth them out. Considering all, I've kept a pretty healthy balance in my life during this time. I'm eager to start the next phase of my life, which I feel starts just as soon as I snap out of this lethargy. I'm aching to be more active, to be outside more, and to eat really well. It's amazing how I'm longing for good food, fresh produce especially. I'll see how this plays out in the next few weeks.
I'm starting to yawn, always a good sign, so I'm off to the Land of Nod.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Visiting Familiar Ground
It's been more than a year since I've written any journal entry, which is a long vacation for my life. And even then, the journal I was keeping was about Dad's illness, and not strictly a place for me to express my own life. But during Dad's illness, I was consumed with it and with tell his story--expressing the experiences of our family--was the biggest thing going on in my own life.
I've been thinking about returning to this blog for a while now. I have a need for expression that I think this will give me, something I've been missing. It seems strange to me to review my last posts, and to realize that back then I made a short comeback, only to disappear again for a long period of time. Will history repeat itself? That is certainly possible. I guess I will have to discover that answer as time unfolds.
I really want to start a new blog more than I want to resume this one. I have this burning desire to have a place where I can share stories, the stories of my soul, for my own benefit, and also for the benefit of anyone who is in a place to hear them. I found myself wanting to write about an experience I had, and I thought I would share this with some friends, but I realized that my friends are not the correct audience. I say that because other similar things I've written have gotten no response from them. Perhaps they read and were touched, or perhaps they were not touched and just dismissed my story in the same way that I dismiss the email jokes I receive from people. Those jokes just don't touch me. I don't mind that people send them, I just don't bring them into my life.
The journaling path is a path of writing for ones self. That is what this blog is about for me, it's a place where I can write what is on my heart because it is on my heart, and I can send it off, much like a leaf I set on the surface of a lake. I release it to the universe, and am changed because I have done this.
This other blog I've setup today is a bit different. It's stories that I need to write for myself, and I need to archive for myself, but they are stories I want to share with the collective, with anyone who is drawn to them and wants to read them. I believe that people stumble on what they are looking for. Perhaps someone out there will stumble on my blog and find some comfort in the ramblings there. I don't write for an audience, but I appreciate knowing when my life touches another person's life. I hope to get the first entries created this week. The title, Beneath Blue Skies, is inspired by the lyrics of the song Diamond Road by Sheryl Crow "...beneath the promise of blue skies..." That song has changed a part of my life in the last few months, and that is one of the stories I have to tell.
In the meantime, I'm announcing to the digital world: I'm back!
It's been more than a year since I've written any journal entry, which is a long vacation for my life. And even then, the journal I was keeping was about Dad's illness, and not strictly a place for me to express my own life. But during Dad's illness, I was consumed with it and with tell his story--expressing the experiences of our family--was the biggest thing going on in my own life.
I've been thinking about returning to this blog for a while now. I have a need for expression that I think this will give me, something I've been missing. It seems strange to me to review my last posts, and to realize that back then I made a short comeback, only to disappear again for a long period of time. Will history repeat itself? That is certainly possible. I guess I will have to discover that answer as time unfolds.
I really want to start a new blog more than I want to resume this one. I have this burning desire to have a place where I can share stories, the stories of my soul, for my own benefit, and also for the benefit of anyone who is in a place to hear them. I found myself wanting to write about an experience I had, and I thought I would share this with some friends, but I realized that my friends are not the correct audience. I say that because other similar things I've written have gotten no response from them. Perhaps they read and were touched, or perhaps they were not touched and just dismissed my story in the same way that I dismiss the email jokes I receive from people. Those jokes just don't touch me. I don't mind that people send them, I just don't bring them into my life.
The journaling path is a path of writing for ones self. That is what this blog is about for me, it's a place where I can write what is on my heart because it is on my heart, and I can send it off, much like a leaf I set on the surface of a lake. I release it to the universe, and am changed because I have done this.
This other blog I've setup today is a bit different. It's stories that I need to write for myself, and I need to archive for myself, but they are stories I want to share with the collective, with anyone who is drawn to them and wants to read them. I believe that people stumble on what they are looking for. Perhaps someone out there will stumble on my blog and find some comfort in the ramblings there. I don't write for an audience, but I appreciate knowing when my life touches another person's life. I hope to get the first entries created this week. The title, Beneath Blue Skies, is inspired by the lyrics of the song Diamond Road by Sheryl Crow "...beneath the promise of blue skies..." That song has changed a part of my life in the last few months, and that is one of the stories I have to tell.
In the meantime, I'm announcing to the digital world: I'm back!
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