Finding A Bit of Voice
It's been a very odd sort of day. I don't think I've ever had a day quite like this one.
-- I slept for more than 12 hours, and woke up with aching muscles, no doubt from laying around so long without any movement. It passed very quickly. I've felt fine today, and until tonight, my poor smashed foot has not bothered me--now it is slightly aching.
-- I called and fired my housekeeping service, very nicely. I told them what I thought they had done well, and I told them what they had done wrong that was the reason I am firing them.
-- I called to remind a deadbeat client that she promised two weeks ago to pay me for an invoice that is almost 6 months old!
-- I called the Nazi homeowners association to ask why they are complaining about the board on my gate when it was here when I moved in two years ago.
-- I called the property management company to tell them that they have to remove the board to please the HOA.
-- I complained to the contracting company that just gave me a new balcony (which is beautifully done) that their guys broke the irrigation system directly under the balcony.
-- I called my insurance company to pay the next 6 months on my car insurance, nearly $700. Only to discover that my renters insurance is also due, so that was another $300 for the full year. Nearly $1000 spent in a single phone call that lasted at most three minutes. And I didn't even have any fun spending it.
-- I interviewed and then hired a landscaping company to do a clean up in my yard, and contracted with them for weekly lawn mowing and trimming services. I think it going to work out very nicely.
-- After being inside for days, I went out to my truck to get something out of the back, to discover that someone had broken into the truck. Two of the doors were ajar. The battery wasn't dead. The contents of the glove compartment (which contains no gloves) was all over the passenger seat, and the handy wipes on my visor had been removed. Other than that, nothing appears to be missing. I don't store much in the truck. It is just weird to discover that someone had been in there.
-- I continued to work on my backlog of laundry, and got most of the dirty dishes clean up, along with most of the kitchen. I'll finish that room tomorrow.
-- About 9 pm, I took a shower and got all squeaky clean. I left the house with wet hair, and drove to my favorite drive-up ATM machine to initialize my new Visa check card and deposit my last three paychecks. I drove around Phoenix on the highways for over an hour, wind in my hair, looking around and thinking.
-- I seriously considered contacting a person I banished from my life three years ago, someone who is truly insane and I'm sure qualifies for institutional life. I have a sliver of memory of great dinner conversations with her and her hubby. If only the other slivers were that good. I'm not sure why I was considering doing this. Now that I'm home, and seem to have regained my own sanity, it seems crazy. Maybe I was under the spell of the full moon, out there driving on the highway, with the windows open, and the truck not protecting me from the moon. Now I have timber, stucco and plaster between me and the silver orb, which seems to be offering me much greater protection.
The only person I didn't reach today was the printer who kidnapped my printer many months ago, and who called me a month ago to say that he couldn't fix my printer so he would return it. Where, oh where art thou? I'll call HIM tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
Sunday, June 23, 2002
Words Fail Me
I'm feeling very blah inside. It's like the fountain of words and ideas that normally bubbles all of the time, even when I'm trying to get to sleep, has been turned off. There's a temporary drought. My head is tender, and pulling words out to update my blogs is causing me a bit of discomfort. I want to write, but the words are not there. I am having trouble putting together the ideas in my head. What do I feel? [no answer] What's on my mind today? [no answer] When have I felt like this before? [blank daydream]
I'll be back when the words bubble again.
I'm feeling very blah inside. It's like the fountain of words and ideas that normally bubbles all of the time, even when I'm trying to get to sleep, has been turned off. There's a temporary drought. My head is tender, and pulling words out to update my blogs is causing me a bit of discomfort. I want to write, but the words are not there. I am having trouble putting together the ideas in my head. What do I feel? [no answer] What's on my mind today? [no answer] When have I felt like this before? [blank daydream]
I'll be back when the words bubble again.
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
Waking Up, Starting to Thaw
The last week of my life has been a total blurr. I've been putting in so much time on the State project, which went into production today. I nearly broke my foot, I was awakened on Tuesday by crews tearing the balcony off my bedroom (without any sort of warning, I might add), and finally, after weeks of waiting, there is a guy under the yellow umbrella in the huge trench on my driveway that is surrounded by barricades who is actually working on fixing my phone. I've had cable installed upstairs so I can switch to a broadband internet connection. Now, if only I can get the printer repair guy to return my printer, I might feel like I was back -- bigger, better, faster -- smarter, too.
It's been a week of long hours, missing deadlines, disturbed sleeping patterns, trying to have regular conversations with panicked people, being upset on the phone with a variety of service provides (Qwest at that top of that list), a surprise and short-term project for an old friend that arrived in my inbox, and then by FedEx, and lots of heat. I was interviewed for an article in a national magazine for the issue that comes out in early August. Microsoft sent me an email asking me if I was interested in career opportunities. The client who offered me the job hasn't said "boo" since we couldn't negotiate a start date that he liked. An old friend who went to visit family almost a year ago suddenly resurface in my inbox with a long story of illness and surgery, which has a happy ending. And nagging me, at the back of my mind this week, has been the silence of another friend, and my concerns that she is losing her battle with cancer.
Through all of this, I've lost a bit more weight, so my personal goals are still on target. I'm out of groceries, my truck is filthy and needs a good cleaning inside and out, and the office looks like a tornado ripped through. But at least now I've got some breathing room, well, as soon as I finish up a small project for a client who has been waiting two days for it past the deadline. I'll get that done today. I've only been up a few hours, and already I'm looking forward to going to bed tonight, and anticipating some more of that delicious restful sleep that I tasted last night.
And now my Skooch wants to snuggle before his afternoon nap.
The last week of my life has been a total blurr. I've been putting in so much time on the State project, which went into production today. I nearly broke my foot, I was awakened on Tuesday by crews tearing the balcony off my bedroom (without any sort of warning, I might add), and finally, after weeks of waiting, there is a guy under the yellow umbrella in the huge trench on my driveway that is surrounded by barricades who is actually working on fixing my phone. I've had cable installed upstairs so I can switch to a broadband internet connection. Now, if only I can get the printer repair guy to return my printer, I might feel like I was back -- bigger, better, faster -- smarter, too.
It's been a week of long hours, missing deadlines, disturbed sleeping patterns, trying to have regular conversations with panicked people, being upset on the phone with a variety of service provides (Qwest at that top of that list), a surprise and short-term project for an old friend that arrived in my inbox, and then by FedEx, and lots of heat. I was interviewed for an article in a national magazine for the issue that comes out in early August. Microsoft sent me an email asking me if I was interested in career opportunities. The client who offered me the job hasn't said "boo" since we couldn't negotiate a start date that he liked. An old friend who went to visit family almost a year ago suddenly resurface in my inbox with a long story of illness and surgery, which has a happy ending. And nagging me, at the back of my mind this week, has been the silence of another friend, and my concerns that she is losing her battle with cancer.
Through all of this, I've lost a bit more weight, so my personal goals are still on target. I'm out of groceries, my truck is filthy and needs a good cleaning inside and out, and the office looks like a tornado ripped through. But at least now I've got some breathing room, well, as soon as I finish up a small project for a client who has been waiting two days for it past the deadline. I'll get that done today. I've only been up a few hours, and already I'm looking forward to going to bed tonight, and anticipating some more of that delicious restful sleep that I tasted last night.
And now my Skooch wants to snuggle before his afternoon nap.
Sunday, June 09, 2002
Feeling A Bit Less Orphaned
I just got an email that has made me feel very good about my life. I have a friend, someone I've known since we started high school, someone I have spent a great deal of time with in my life, and who is in contact with me occasionally the last few years. He has just asked me to review his upcoming book. I've known that he had a project in the works, but he didn't want to talk about it, and I have respected that, so I don't even know what it is about. But I'm feeling very good tonight that inspite of how it may have seemed to me today, inspite of how my birth family may be acting, I have created a sense of family with people. I have been successful in that goal. And I'm proud of that.
I just got an email that has made me feel very good about my life. I have a friend, someone I've known since we started high school, someone I have spent a great deal of time with in my life, and who is in contact with me occasionally the last few years. He has just asked me to review his upcoming book. I've known that he had a project in the works, but he didn't want to talk about it, and I have respected that, so I don't even know what it is about. But I'm feeling very good tonight that inspite of how it may have seemed to me today, inspite of how my birth family may be acting, I have created a sense of family with people. I have been successful in that goal. And I'm proud of that.
I Got Dumped On
This afternoon, I had some computer problems. A program that I use all of the time failed, and I had to uninstall and reinstall it. Only the install didn't work because it said that I was missing a Windows 2000 file. No problem. I got out the Win2000 CD and then realized that unlike earlier versions of Windows, I had a Dell Windows 2000 CD, and not just a generic Windows 2000 CD. And it didn't contain the file I needed, at least I couldn't find it.
So, I went first to the software manufacturer's site, looking through their knowledge base, but couldn't learn any more than I already knew. I tried the Microsoft knowledge base, hoping to find the file there to download, but it seems that they thought I should be able to get it from my Windows 2000 CD, which I can't. Then, I did a couple of searches on the Internet, hoping to find the file somewhere to download. No luck,
At this point, I decided to call a family member who knows about such things. I explained what was going on, what I was trying to do, and asked two questions: where can I download the missing file, and when I have it, where on my computer does it go? We talked for a couple of minutes, and then, seemingly out of the blue, I heard screaming starting on the other end, saying bad things to me. About how I am always dumping my problems there (I never talk about my personal life with this person, and the last time I asked a computer question was more than a year ago.), and how rude I am, and on and on. I held the phone out from my face and just stared in disbelief at the receiver and the sounds coming from it. I knew this outburst had nothing to do with me. I was quiet while he went on, and decided that I would say something soft when he finished. Something like "I'm sorry that my call has upset you" and I would find somewhere else to get my answers. Only he screamed and hung up on me.
It took me a couple minutes to regroup and decide what to do next. I decided that I knew a programmer who wouldn't mind me calling too much, and so I called him. He send me the missing file, told me where to put it, and after rebooting, everything was fine. I made plans to meet him for lunch on Wednesday to get caught up, but I'm going to pay for lunch to thank him for helping me.
And then I decided I would call my mom and tell her what happened. But when I heard her voice on the phone, I suddenly gulped and started sobbing. I didn't realize I was that hurt by what had happened. I was going to mention that he had screamed at me, but I didn't realize I was going to cry during the telling of the story. My mom said something like "welcome to the club" because he usually screams at everyone, it was just news to me.
So, here I sit, and I cried while I wrote this. I made up my mind that I won't ever call him again to ask a question, that is for sure. But beyond that, I'm not nursing any sort of grudge against him. In fact, I sent him an email before I started this entry, certainly not apologizing for my call, but simply saying that I didn't realize my call and my question would be so upsetting. But things between us are awkward now. I hope that my email will smooth things a bit, at least he knows I'm not going to scream back at him. Maybe he wants that, maybe he wants me to scream at him. But I'm not going there. I'm not going to tell him that I'm hurt, or anything beyond what I said in the email. But I sure wish I hadn't made that phone call today.
It really underscores the whole isolation issues I have in my life. I really do my best to be self contained, to keep to myself, to keep my issues and conflicts to myself. I don't ask for help very often, probably not as often as I should for my own sake. And here, after I had explored my options, believing I could solve my own problem today, I realized I needed help and I asked for it, only to be screamed at. Thank God that Ted was available and didn't mind answering my question and helping me out.
I spend a good amount of time responding to emails I get from people who visit my blogs and websites. I always answer their questions the best I can, and I feel that is part of why I'm here, to give back, to give suggestions to people who have questions. To plant seeds. I really strive to be that kind of person, someone who believes the best of others, someone who respects where others are in their journey, and someone who offers kindness to strangers along the way. I'm shocked and hurt to be a dumping place for someone's frustrations. If he had only said "hey, this isn't a good time" or "can I call you back next week about this" I would not have complained or tried to keep him on the phone. I would have figured out a plan C, like I did after I got screamed at.
I've been away from the computer for an hour, and I've figured out what is really bothering me -- I feel orphaned. I count on my sister and brother to be there with me when I need them. And I was let down today. It's ok, no one else can always be available when I need them. The timing was bad. But I still feel orphaned.
This afternoon, I had some computer problems. A program that I use all of the time failed, and I had to uninstall and reinstall it. Only the install didn't work because it said that I was missing a Windows 2000 file. No problem. I got out the Win2000 CD and then realized that unlike earlier versions of Windows, I had a Dell Windows 2000 CD, and not just a generic Windows 2000 CD. And it didn't contain the file I needed, at least I couldn't find it.
So, I went first to the software manufacturer's site, looking through their knowledge base, but couldn't learn any more than I already knew. I tried the Microsoft knowledge base, hoping to find the file there to download, but it seems that they thought I should be able to get it from my Windows 2000 CD, which I can't. Then, I did a couple of searches on the Internet, hoping to find the file somewhere to download. No luck,
At this point, I decided to call a family member who knows about such things. I explained what was going on, what I was trying to do, and asked two questions: where can I download the missing file, and when I have it, where on my computer does it go? We talked for a couple of minutes, and then, seemingly out of the blue, I heard screaming starting on the other end, saying bad things to me. About how I am always dumping my problems there (I never talk about my personal life with this person, and the last time I asked a computer question was more than a year ago.), and how rude I am, and on and on. I held the phone out from my face and just stared in disbelief at the receiver and the sounds coming from it. I knew this outburst had nothing to do with me. I was quiet while he went on, and decided that I would say something soft when he finished. Something like "I'm sorry that my call has upset you" and I would find somewhere else to get my answers. Only he screamed and hung up on me.
It took me a couple minutes to regroup and decide what to do next. I decided that I knew a programmer who wouldn't mind me calling too much, and so I called him. He send me the missing file, told me where to put it, and after rebooting, everything was fine. I made plans to meet him for lunch on Wednesday to get caught up, but I'm going to pay for lunch to thank him for helping me.
And then I decided I would call my mom and tell her what happened. But when I heard her voice on the phone, I suddenly gulped and started sobbing. I didn't realize I was that hurt by what had happened. I was going to mention that he had screamed at me, but I didn't realize I was going to cry during the telling of the story. My mom said something like "welcome to the club" because he usually screams at everyone, it was just news to me.
So, here I sit, and I cried while I wrote this. I made up my mind that I won't ever call him again to ask a question, that is for sure. But beyond that, I'm not nursing any sort of grudge against him. In fact, I sent him an email before I started this entry, certainly not apologizing for my call, but simply saying that I didn't realize my call and my question would be so upsetting. But things between us are awkward now. I hope that my email will smooth things a bit, at least he knows I'm not going to scream back at him. Maybe he wants that, maybe he wants me to scream at him. But I'm not going there. I'm not going to tell him that I'm hurt, or anything beyond what I said in the email. But I sure wish I hadn't made that phone call today.
It really underscores the whole isolation issues I have in my life. I really do my best to be self contained, to keep to myself, to keep my issues and conflicts to myself. I don't ask for help very often, probably not as often as I should for my own sake. And here, after I had explored my options, believing I could solve my own problem today, I realized I needed help and I asked for it, only to be screamed at. Thank God that Ted was available and didn't mind answering my question and helping me out.
I spend a good amount of time responding to emails I get from people who visit my blogs and websites. I always answer their questions the best I can, and I feel that is part of why I'm here, to give back, to give suggestions to people who have questions. To plant seeds. I really strive to be that kind of person, someone who believes the best of others, someone who respects where others are in their journey, and someone who offers kindness to strangers along the way. I'm shocked and hurt to be a dumping place for someone's frustrations. If he had only said "hey, this isn't a good time" or "can I call you back next week about this" I would not have complained or tried to keep him on the phone. I would have figured out a plan C, like I did after I got screamed at.
I've been away from the computer for an hour, and I've figured out what is really bothering me -- I feel orphaned. I count on my sister and brother to be there with me when I need them. And I was let down today. It's ok, no one else can always be available when I need them. The timing was bad. But I still feel orphaned.
Engagement Announcement Has Me Upset
I got an interesting email yesterday that really confused me. I'm still not sure I have the story correct, but it seems that the two business partners of a service that I use, people that I know, are engaged and getting married immediatly. I think they have a great partnership, but something about this idea of them marrying is really upsetting to me. It just doesn't sit well with me, it seems wrong somehow. I don't really care what they do with their lives, and I mean that in the best way. Whatever they want to do is fine with me.
It's hard for me to really say what is bothering me about the situation. I have known these people for more than 5 years, and I know that they are commited to each other through their business. They co-habitate, they live and work together, and they have a deep love and respect for each other. I don't question any of that. But love, marriage... I have never seen even a hint of that in them. One of them is about 20 years older than the other, which may be why I didn't expect something like this to happen. They are deeply involved in a religious practice, and they will have a celibate marriage because of their religion. I don't know that very much will change in their daily living because of this decision.
I guess I'm shocked and a bit disappointed that neither one of them has ever seemed to be in love with the other. Maybe they are lucky to have bypassed that stage of a relationship, because what they do have is real and solid. I just can't accept her decision to marry him, I guess because what I want from marriage is so different. If it was me, I would think that I was settling. But then, what do I know about their real relationship?
What this has brought up for me is a whole bundle of things about my own ideas of marriage, and what I'm looking for. I want more than what I see they have, and I admit right here, I don't really know what they have. I want to be in love with a man I want to marry, not just accept marriage as the logical next step, which is what I was willing to do with John. I want the kind of partnership and communication and negotiation that allows us to create a life together that is more than either of us has alone, and where we both have what we want in our lives. I want something so magical and special, something that is full of passion and intelligence.
Maybe part of my reaction has to do with the fact that I don't want a celibate marriage. Maybe for what they are planning for their futures, they have something wonderful. I can't quite get my mind wrapped around this one.
But I did dream about it last night. I was in a circle of people, none of whom I recognize now, but at the time, they were familiar people. We were encouraged to talk about something that was important to us, something that was on our minds. I brought this up. One person in the group knew the people I was talking about, and that person immediately started defending their decision to marry. I threw in the towel. I wasn't challenging their decision, only talking about why their decision is causing such a strong and negative reaction within me. I knew then that I couldn't talk about it with people.
I'm not satisfied with this entry yet, because I still feel confused and upset about this. I want to figure out why I'm so upset by this news.
I got an interesting email yesterday that really confused me. I'm still not sure I have the story correct, but it seems that the two business partners of a service that I use, people that I know, are engaged and getting married immediatly. I think they have a great partnership, but something about this idea of them marrying is really upsetting to me. It just doesn't sit well with me, it seems wrong somehow. I don't really care what they do with their lives, and I mean that in the best way. Whatever they want to do is fine with me.
It's hard for me to really say what is bothering me about the situation. I have known these people for more than 5 years, and I know that they are commited to each other through their business. They co-habitate, they live and work together, and they have a deep love and respect for each other. I don't question any of that. But love, marriage... I have never seen even a hint of that in them. One of them is about 20 years older than the other, which may be why I didn't expect something like this to happen. They are deeply involved in a religious practice, and they will have a celibate marriage because of their religion. I don't know that very much will change in their daily living because of this decision.
I guess I'm shocked and a bit disappointed that neither one of them has ever seemed to be in love with the other. Maybe they are lucky to have bypassed that stage of a relationship, because what they do have is real and solid. I just can't accept her decision to marry him, I guess because what I want from marriage is so different. If it was me, I would think that I was settling. But then, what do I know about their real relationship?
What this has brought up for me is a whole bundle of things about my own ideas of marriage, and what I'm looking for. I want more than what I see they have, and I admit right here, I don't really know what they have. I want to be in love with a man I want to marry, not just accept marriage as the logical next step, which is what I was willing to do with John. I want the kind of partnership and communication and negotiation that allows us to create a life together that is more than either of us has alone, and where we both have what we want in our lives. I want something so magical and special, something that is full of passion and intelligence.
Maybe part of my reaction has to do with the fact that I don't want a celibate marriage. Maybe for what they are planning for their futures, they have something wonderful. I can't quite get my mind wrapped around this one.
But I did dream about it last night. I was in a circle of people, none of whom I recognize now, but at the time, they were familiar people. We were encouraged to talk about something that was important to us, something that was on our minds. I brought this up. One person in the group knew the people I was talking about, and that person immediately started defending their decision to marry. I threw in the towel. I wasn't challenging their decision, only talking about why their decision is causing such a strong and negative reaction within me. I knew then that I couldn't talk about it with people.
I'm not satisfied with this entry yet, because I still feel confused and upset about this. I want to figure out why I'm so upset by this news.
Saturday, June 08, 2002
Another Cut-and-Paste Entry
From an email I sent on 6 June:
---------------------------------------------
I had something weird happen a few weeks back. One of my part time clients offered me a job, at a good salary, and because I had other committments and couldn't start when he wanted, he has sort of flaked out. Disappeared. I don't think the offer is good any more, but he won't confess one way or the other. It has me thinking quite a bit lately, about people's motives, intentions, and integrity. He gave me such a hard sell, calling me outside of business hours, really putting on the pressure. I took the impression that he really wanted me... now, with what has happened, I think he just had a problem to solve and I was the most likely (or easiest) solution for him. In a way, he just wanted to own me. It wasn't about creating a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Which has me thinking a lot. I've really moved into that space, to really want to work with people where we jointly create solutions that work for everyone involved. Negotiation. Honesty. Respect. Creative brainstorming. These are the things I value in my life and in my working relationships. It all has me thinking that maybe it's time for me to refuse to compromise these things, to really hold out for good situations. It's got me thinking about what I want and what is important to me.
I really try to balance two things in my life... first, the desire to create what I want, to exert some measure of control in a way, over the circumstances of my life... and second, to allow life to flow, and to accept that there are times when things aren't exactly to my liking, and to understand that these times are really gifts. Sometimes, the contrast of having what I don't want really helps me to clarify in a new way what I do want. Sometimes, the contrast also shows me what I want is really different from what I thought I wanted. Sometimes, I get exactly what I asked for, and then realize it wasn't what I thought it would be. I'm learning to keep an open mind and look for what I can learn from each situation, especially the ones that didn't seem to turn out quite the way I had wanted. So, I'm sure that this time of being overly busy has been rich with lessons, some I'm aware of, and others I will figure out over the next weeks or months.
That is one of the reasons that I love the international news. I can see things from a different perspective, look at the world through different sets of eyes, see where priorities and conflicts are for other people, without having to go through the often slow and painful process of having new things happen in my own life. I feel like a funnel sometimes, like the news flows through me and nurishes me in some way I can't explain, and changes my perspective. But I don't realize the change or the nurturing until something clicks in my own life, until I see myself reacting against my own expectation.
I used to spend time with [edited to keep my friend anonymous]. What a great guy he is on so many levels. Our conversations touched me in a way that surprised me, and touched a part of me that I didn't know existed before then. It was a surprising and wonderful discovery for me, to see myself so totally different. At the time, I wasn't very interested in world news... and when I think of the conversations he and I could have had about what he knew... but no regrets. What we talked about was human and personal. I miss those conversations with him. And the slight discomfort of that longing is a constant reminder to me of the magic of living -- that none of us knows who we fully are, and that we discover ourselves in the process of living.
Hmmm... maybe I should copy and paste this note into my journal!!!!
Thanks for posting the bit about the Blog personality type test. I'm an INFP, and that matches other tests I've taken. A Jungian Idealist, yep that's me, and healer... why else would I post those embarrasing pictures of myself and track my weight loss progress online. Definitely the archetype of the wounder healer, the mythic Chiron.
I stopped in at my neighborhood bookstore cafe yesterday, and picked up a collection of design magazines, along with some others for expanding my sense of the world around us. I also found a wonderful cookbook, part of an international series, on Mexican cooking. I love Mexican food, but I don't cook a bit of it. Tomato, lime, peppers, mangos, cilantro... the tastes are so exotic and wonderful to my tongue. I can't wait to try some of them out. There is a drink of watered down watermelon with added lime juice. I'm so excited to try these things.
At the other end, I was engaged to a guy from the UK a few years back, and from him I learned to make Yorkshire pudding and Toad in the Hole, which remains one of my very favorite things to make. One that I haven't made since last fall, and one I'm looking forward to splurging on occasionally in the future.
From an email I sent on 6 June:
---------------------------------------------
I had something weird happen a few weeks back. One of my part time clients offered me a job, at a good salary, and because I had other committments and couldn't start when he wanted, he has sort of flaked out. Disappeared. I don't think the offer is good any more, but he won't confess one way or the other. It has me thinking quite a bit lately, about people's motives, intentions, and integrity. He gave me such a hard sell, calling me outside of business hours, really putting on the pressure. I took the impression that he really wanted me... now, with what has happened, I think he just had a problem to solve and I was the most likely (or easiest) solution for him. In a way, he just wanted to own me. It wasn't about creating a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Which has me thinking a lot. I've really moved into that space, to really want to work with people where we jointly create solutions that work for everyone involved. Negotiation. Honesty. Respect. Creative brainstorming. These are the things I value in my life and in my working relationships. It all has me thinking that maybe it's time for me to refuse to compromise these things, to really hold out for good situations. It's got me thinking about what I want and what is important to me.
I really try to balance two things in my life... first, the desire to create what I want, to exert some measure of control in a way, over the circumstances of my life... and second, to allow life to flow, and to accept that there are times when things aren't exactly to my liking, and to understand that these times are really gifts. Sometimes, the contrast of having what I don't want really helps me to clarify in a new way what I do want. Sometimes, the contrast also shows me what I want is really different from what I thought I wanted. Sometimes, I get exactly what I asked for, and then realize it wasn't what I thought it would be. I'm learning to keep an open mind and look for what I can learn from each situation, especially the ones that didn't seem to turn out quite the way I had wanted. So, I'm sure that this time of being overly busy has been rich with lessons, some I'm aware of, and others I will figure out over the next weeks or months.
That is one of the reasons that I love the international news. I can see things from a different perspective, look at the world through different sets of eyes, see where priorities and conflicts are for other people, without having to go through the often slow and painful process of having new things happen in my own life. I feel like a funnel sometimes, like the news flows through me and nurishes me in some way I can't explain, and changes my perspective. But I don't realize the change or the nurturing until something clicks in my own life, until I see myself reacting against my own expectation.
I used to spend time with [edited to keep my friend anonymous]. What a great guy he is on so many levels. Our conversations touched me in a way that surprised me, and touched a part of me that I didn't know existed before then. It was a surprising and wonderful discovery for me, to see myself so totally different. At the time, I wasn't very interested in world news... and when I think of the conversations he and I could have had about what he knew... but no regrets. What we talked about was human and personal. I miss those conversations with him. And the slight discomfort of that longing is a constant reminder to me of the magic of living -- that none of us knows who we fully are, and that we discover ourselves in the process of living.
Hmmm... maybe I should copy and paste this note into my journal!!!!
Thanks for posting the bit about the Blog personality type test. I'm an INFP, and that matches other tests I've taken. A Jungian Idealist, yep that's me, and healer... why else would I post those embarrasing pictures of myself and track my weight loss progress online. Definitely the archetype of the wounder healer, the mythic Chiron.
I stopped in at my neighborhood bookstore cafe yesterday, and picked up a collection of design magazines, along with some others for expanding my sense of the world around us. I also found a wonderful cookbook, part of an international series, on Mexican cooking. I love Mexican food, but I don't cook a bit of it. Tomato, lime, peppers, mangos, cilantro... the tastes are so exotic and wonderful to my tongue. I can't wait to try some of them out. There is a drink of watered down watermelon with added lime juice. I'm so excited to try these things.
At the other end, I was engaged to a guy from the UK a few years back, and from him I learned to make Yorkshire pudding and Toad in the Hole, which remains one of my very favorite things to make. One that I haven't made since last fall, and one I'm looking forward to splurging on occasionally in the future.
Thursday, June 06, 2002
Ever Have One Of "Those" Days?
Here is a prayer for the stressed that is funny and healing. Thanks to Dyanna for this wonderful bit of humor.
Here is a prayer for the stressed that is funny and healing. Thanks to Dyanna for this wonderful bit of humor.
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
Thinking Allowed
I'm so tired of writing here that I've been working a lot lately. It's true, of course, but I'm really getting sick of defining my life by overworking. It's becoming the defining characteristic of my days and weeks. I'm really sick of it. For the last week, I've been doing much better, taking more breaks, getting out of the house more.
One thing that I've found really helps me to feel on top of things... making my bed. For some reason, having my bed made encourages me to go and sit on it during the day, to relax, to look through a magazine, to read... just get my head out of the working mode. In fact, the downstairs is just a bit messy, scattered, with some undone dishes and some clutter in the living room, and just that little bit is enough that I don't really want to hang out down there, and when I do go down there, I don't feel... well... on top of things. I feel disheveled inside, just like the room is. All of this is encouraging me to really make it my priority to stay on top of the house. I'm thinking that I will make it a goal to have everything in its place when I go to bed, and if not, to put it in place in the morning before I start working. That way, the house becomes my retreat from the work, instead of being a sort of continuation of the work. I can't really explain how the outside of me has such an impact on the inside of me... but since it does, I'm doing my best to work with it, and to have it working for me.
I'm so tired of writing here that I've been working a lot lately. It's true, of course, but I'm really getting sick of defining my life by overworking. It's becoming the defining characteristic of my days and weeks. I'm really sick of it. For the last week, I've been doing much better, taking more breaks, getting out of the house more.
One thing that I've found really helps me to feel on top of things... making my bed. For some reason, having my bed made encourages me to go and sit on it during the day, to relax, to look through a magazine, to read... just get my head out of the working mode. In fact, the downstairs is just a bit messy, scattered, with some undone dishes and some clutter in the living room, and just that little bit is enough that I don't really want to hang out down there, and when I do go down there, I don't feel... well... on top of things. I feel disheveled inside, just like the room is. All of this is encouraging me to really make it my priority to stay on top of the house. I'm thinking that I will make it a goal to have everything in its place when I go to bed, and if not, to put it in place in the morning before I start working. That way, the house becomes my retreat from the work, instead of being a sort of continuation of the work. I can't really explain how the outside of me has such an impact on the inside of me... but since it does, I'm doing my best to work with it, and to have it working for me.
Sunday, June 02, 2002
Where My Head Is
I have worked all the way through the weekend, again. I'm glad I had a big chunk of Friday out of this office and my butt out of this chair, but even that was after putting in a six hour day.
I'm tired, I a bit burnt out, and I'm having a hard time finding that sweet spot, that place where I love my life and my work. After all, I don't work at home, I live at work. But can't I find a better balance of how I spend my time? What is the ideal situation for me at this time, well, after I meet all of these pending (or past) deadlines.
I'm really tired, and so I'm going to be bed. The sun isn't even set yet. I'm hoping to get up about 2 am to resume working. I may be without phone service tomorrow. (It's always something, isn't it?)
My knee has hurt all day long, since I got up this morning. I don't have any idea why, or what is going on. It feels like muscle tightness, a strain through the knee when I sit on it. Of course, smart cookie that I am, I stopped sitting on it right away. I have been massaging my thigh, hoping that will loosen things up. I've learned that knee problems are really hip problems, so I've been doing some triangle pose and some bending from the hips to pull everything loose. And doing Reiki on it. What is the message, little knee? What are you trying to tell me? Talk to me in my sleep tonight, and I'll do whatever I can to help you out.
Great Spirit, I don't feel very connected to my life or my own heart tonight. Show me the way back. Show me how to blink and find myself again. I know it is that simple, it is always that simple. Help me to release the complicated thinking that pushes me away from my own center. Help me to release the resistance, to soften my will and my thoughts and my feelings so I can flow again. I'm ready. I'm willing.
I have worked all the way through the weekend, again. I'm glad I had a big chunk of Friday out of this office and my butt out of this chair, but even that was after putting in a six hour day.
I'm tired, I a bit burnt out, and I'm having a hard time finding that sweet spot, that place where I love my life and my work. After all, I don't work at home, I live at work. But can't I find a better balance of how I spend my time? What is the ideal situation for me at this time, well, after I meet all of these pending (or past) deadlines.
I'm really tired, and so I'm going to be bed. The sun isn't even set yet. I'm hoping to get up about 2 am to resume working. I may be without phone service tomorrow. (It's always something, isn't it?)
My knee has hurt all day long, since I got up this morning. I don't have any idea why, or what is going on. It feels like muscle tightness, a strain through the knee when I sit on it. Of course, smart cookie that I am, I stopped sitting on it right away. I have been massaging my thigh, hoping that will loosen things up. I've learned that knee problems are really hip problems, so I've been doing some triangle pose and some bending from the hips to pull everything loose. And doing Reiki on it. What is the message, little knee? What are you trying to tell me? Talk to me in my sleep tonight, and I'll do whatever I can to help you out.
Great Spirit, I don't feel very connected to my life or my own heart tonight. Show me the way back. Show me how to blink and find myself again. I know it is that simple, it is always that simple. Help me to release the complicated thinking that pushes me away from my own center. Help me to release the resistance, to soften my will and my thoughts and my feelings so I can flow again. I'm ready. I'm willing.
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