Was That A Quagmire I Left Behind?

In the last week, I've managed to pull together the odd bits of disjointedness I was feeling, sort it through and release myself from it. Quite an accomplishment considering the environment and other circumstances. It feels like there have been several major contributions to this success. First, my ability to focus on the generalized discontent enough to allow it to gel, and then to express what I'm feeling at that deeper level, across many issues and triggers. Second, I made a decision to feel happy and to focus on all of the good things, which helped me to have direction instead of floating about. Third, I continued to build momentum towards setting my new year goals, which always gives me a positive focus. I've still found myself stuck in icky places, and getting irritated with people, but I've been quick to let go. Well, sometimes I've hung on a bit longer than necessary, but mostly I've quickly let go. Overall, I've done quite well.

It has been interesting to spend time with old friends, and to realize how much I can see into their lives and current issues. I might not know the details, but I sure see the issues. It has been good to see that my insights are still working, and to see that I have been able to make a few comments that have helped them to release themselves from their patterns of self critical thought. It has also been good for me to see other people's lives, and to be reminded that my life is not the only one that has issues and challenges, and to see that I'm not the only person who isn't exactly where she wants to be.

Once great thing I've see about myself if that I have softened quite a bit from that young woman who used to think she knew so much, who held so many opinions and was so right about issues. Now, I can really take any side of most discussions, without any personal need to win, and see how either strategy can result in a happy ending. I've also learned a lot about not making judgements about other people's relationships. At the same time, I'm seeing a lot into their relationships, more than usual, and perhaps that is because I'm not lining up what I see to reach a conclusion about what is best for people or situations. I'm no longer problem solving in other people's lives. What a relief that is! I have found myself able to listen to the situation they have described to me, present an alternative and positive view, and suggest happy endings from many directions. I've found I'm generating ideas for what might work for people, multiples of them, most that are incompatible with each other, and that the effect of this brainstorming seems to be a wider perspective for them. That is a good feeling. I hope that some of what I've said, and my softer approach to the situations, has helped people really reach good solutions for their lives.

In my own life, I'm listening to people, and talking with them about the great strengths I see in them. I'm showing people things they want to see, teaching some of them additional computer skills and life skills. It has been fun. I'm also setting some goals and talking with my parents about my goals... including plans for retirement and how I'm taking steps in the next year to reach them. I've not pulled things together, but I'm feeling the energy building towards resolution of this year and vision building for next year. Perhaps it is better that I make the formalized goals after the year starts.

I've also enjoyed excellent health on this trip. I did hurt my knee the first week, but using what I know to do, I've managed to facilitate that healing. Today's range of movement is almost total, although I find that I'm hesitating before wide moves just to make sure I'm being careful of that knee. Otherwise, it is working just fine. It's been a great example of how I have learned ways to facilitate stasis in my body, a good thing for me to remember as I start the new year.

I'm thinking about combining this journal and my topical journal together to write about the inner and outer journey I'm planning for next year's goals. I've also considered starting a third and totally separate journal. In general, I've found that having too many journals is a distraction, but I do appreciate the focus each one provides. I think what I've written for the assemblage point journal is off to a great start, and is really helping me to identify some of the threads of issues and ideas that run through my life. Perhaps I will keep a third, focused journal, and keep this one as the hodge-podge journal with random ramblings. A place to do my mind dumps. That might work really well. It helps me to keep a very different perspective on my journal, a long-term view on the value of my writings, and a place where I can review and reflect on key issues as I identify them. In fact, I've been thinking about making a daily writing commitment... not because I value full journals, but because I think that extended writing would be good for me. I've not written as much this year as previous years. Perhaps writing for me is mental and emotional exercise, much like my walking routine. In fact, I'm thinking about scheduling my days so I spend more time on directed activities towards my goals, and have less time available for current projects and work. At the same time that I have set the greatest financial goals for myself, I've cut back on the hours I'm available for working. I wonder how this will work out, and what surprises 2002 holds for me.

I've had a vision for a while of a different daily life for myself. I've made strides towards making it happen in my life. But now I'm ready to embrace it further. I keep thinking that with the level of freedom I have, I should have greater health and vitality, and that my life should really show the benefits of the extra time and energy I can devote to my life and my goals. This year, I want to run full speed into that lifestyle. I want a daily routine that provides the structure to support my personal goals. I want to be proud of the progress towards each goal. I want to surprise myself with how everything works together to let me share momentum between goals so that I can accomplish even more than I can envision when I think of each goal separately. I want to live a magical life in 2002. I will be in charge of myself and my days, and with decisive action I will make surgical, laser-like strikes towards my goals. At the end of 2002, I want to be blown away by what I've accomplished. I can do this, and I am doing this.

Stretching The Blanket To Cover My Feet

This place has strange reminders of my past, and of things that I don't recall while I'm in Phoenix. Being here, it is obviously a military town. I'd forgotten the familiar sight of men and women in fatigues, and the sight of fighters and cargo carriers overhead. The long fence that separates the base from our little town. The military access stickers on car bumpers. One of the local TV stations is carrying 15 second spots of military families sending holiday greetings from remote locations to family in this area. It's a nice touch, and something I've not seen before. All of these things remind me of my history here, and the military interactions into my life. The camouflaged B-52s during Viet Nam, the hippie protesters outside the base gates. The military security instituted at my defense contractor job during Desert Storm. My own days walking the halls inside the very secret Foreign Technology Center with armed guards at each of the hallway portals.

Tonight's Saturday Night Live is a re-over, the first show after the 9/11 events. It reminded me of my trauma at that time, the scary world I found myself in during those first days. The fears during Desert Storm. The kids from school whose fathers were killed or captured during Viet Nam. There is a lot of trauma in this space for me. I'm surprised by all of this considering that my father, a scientist, only did research that fed the military system and didn't put on a uniform, at least not since before I was born. My family has been spared the real traumas of military life, and the disaster in NY and Washington DC and PA. So why do I feel so much trauma?

Many years ago, I discovered that I cannot watch some events without a deep emotional reaction, something that I can't explain. I weep and sob when a flag passes me in a parade. I have the same reaction to beauty pageants, game shows, and the Olympics. It is as if I pick up on the emotional reactions of many people, present and absent, and I shake with the strength of it. I've never understood this reaction, I've only learned to avoid putting myself in situations where it can happen. I cry in movies, which may be more expected than these things.

Given this, perhaps my reactions to regional and world traumas isn't surprising. I seem to feel better if I let myself cry, and let the emotions shake through me. They don't last very long.

I'm feeling all of these things the last few days, and very strongly tonight.

On Friday, my dad told me about a recurring theme of his dreams, which I interpreted immediately as his sadness over the decreasing range of motion he is experiencing in his daily living. I didn't tell him this was how I saw the dream, along with a sense that he feels that the world, especially technology, is passing him by. It must be tough to have spent a career in science using technology, and recognize that you are losing your grip on the cutting edge. I felt that feeling about 3 months after I graduated from college, when I was told that the very classes I had taken had been updated to include cutting edge things that I was struggling to learn on my own. I felt very out of date, but I used that feeling to make a commitment to my own continual growth and learning process. I realized that a lifetime of learning was the only lifestyle I wanted, and that even still, I would have to compartmentalize my learning so I could let go of things that I would never have enough time or energy to learn. I suppose I've done well with it. But as I interact with dad these days, helping him to get his computer setup and internet accounts straight, I'm trying to incorporate my dream interpretation into my attitude and handling of him. But he charges on like he knows everything, and then won't listen when I have some additional information. Or, he gets angry with me for telling him something that he didn't know, something that invalidates a course of action he has taken unnecessarily. I'm trying to be kind and gentle with him, and still be honest and helpful. It seems tonight like an impossible road before me.

It is hard for me to be here over the end of the year, a time when I always want to reflect on my life and set goals for the next year. It's not the best time to be away from my home, my surroundings, and to have additional demands on my time and my energy. There are so many people here who want to spend time with me, and it isn't that I don't want to spend time with them -- I just feel pulled in half. I don't feel I have the luxury of setting aside an evening to spend alone. Instead, I take these stolen hours of time after everyone else is asleep. I haven't gotten up early ONCE since I've been here. What happened to 5:00 am MST? What happened to my gentle wake up with yoga, chanting, a quart of water and a balance bar? At least the snuggling with Skooch remains the same.

And yet, I know I'm resilient, and that this is really only a slight inconvenience, not anything that will stop me from accomplishing my goals and fulfilling my intentions. I can incorporate these distractions into my experience and still serve my more personal needs at the same time. Sometimes I think my life smacks of self-indulgence, beyond the very healthy situation that lets me take good care of myself. I feel that because my life has so few distractions, I have a requirement to do more to take care of myself, that it becomes a greater responsibility. What kind of job am I doing? And more important, how can I improve the way I'm taking care of myself?

I have a plan formulating in my mind. Actually, I have an image formulating in my mind, a glimpse of my own life in its current state from a different perspective. Hopefully, a more clear, more honest perspective. In this image, I can see the waste and the places where the blanket doesn't cover my feet, even though there is more than enough blanket to do the job. Even if I don't take the time to formally evaluate my life and come up with next year's vision and plan, I trust that the vision is forming now, and that in the days after I return home, I can use that vision to crystallize my plans from a deep sense of knowing. Perhaps that is better than any mental exercise, anyway.

Oh Great Spirit, tonight I say that in spite of my lagging, in spite of my moments of crossed intentions, and in spite of my feelings of weary resignation, I stand firm in spirit, firmly committed to living my life to the fullest. I intend to live the next year of my life with a renewed sense of zest and a new spirit of freedom that allows me to challenge my own soft spots and take risks that have not been options in the past. I set my feet forward with enthusiasm to run the course, and promise myself to lead from my heart. I intend to drive my actions from a deep sense of vision of what is possible in my life, seeking the experiences that will provide me with the greatest fulfillment. Thank you for the wisdom and understanding to reach this point in my path. It is so.

You Can't Return Home... Or Can You?

It's almost midnight in this time zone and I find myself still awake and alert, still operating in my native time zone after a week. I'm feeling a bit isolated from my own life tonight, even though I'm in a remarkably good mood and have been the whole week I've been here. Not that the usual family button pushers have been neglecting their compulsions. I'm still incredulous about that aspect of behavior... why someone would WANT to spend time upset, and choose to act with the intention of upsetting others. It's the result of an unconscious habit, that is the only way I can explain it, something that has never been examined or brought under personal scrutiny. I'm very grateful that I made that decision years ago (and repeat it as necessary in my present moments) that nothing is more important than feeling good. That one decision has straightened out many of my own foilibles and keeps my railroad cars on track, at least most of the time.

I have seen so much inconsistency here that I have to hold my tongue sometimes from laughing. First, there is a bit of a tirade against a type of behavior, and then, that very behavior is demonstrated. I've wanted to say something several times, but I have learned over the years that some of these people don't respond well to personal feedback. The level of insecurity and emotional vulnerability is shocking. I'm pleased that I've been able to introduce the term "passive aggressive" and have had my brother's support in explaining it. Not that I think knowing the concept or term will lead to less of this type of behavior. I suppose that I only did it for myself, as a way to dialog with myself through conversation with others.

I'm certainly seeing everyone here much differently this trip. I feel encouraged by this, seeing in it a sense of my own growth over the last year or so. I am certainly grateful that I accepted life's invitation to move 2000 miles away all of those years ago. While I may have grown like this if I had stayed in this place, leaving has given me a new sense of perspective on my own roots and life, and it has removed some of the subtle environmental influences that could have held me in orbit around the particular shared mindset of my family. It's interesting that I wrote in my last entry about listening to Dad's stories, and now that I'm here, I find them repetitive and honestly, quite boring.

In fact, this whole week I've been open and conducting real conversations, only to find that my partners are plugging in and out during the talk, and often don't plug in at all. I'm hungry for conversation, I suppose that I why I'm writing tonight. Well, that and the natural reflection that takes place when I find myself surrounded by family. It's a bit easier the last few years since I don't sleep in my old bed and bedroom. At least I have that bit of shift to point out that I haven't really returned home.

I've been quite reflective the last year about my general life progress, asking if I'm where I want to be, if I'm spending my life the way I want to spend it. My overall sense of the last 15 years is that I've set goals, worked towards them, had experiences, and changed my goals. The effect of this pattern is that I feel a bit like I'm treading water when I look at where I am today from a bird's eye view of my life. What have I accomplished? Maybe it is the questions that are wrong.

I suspect that one of the right questions is about my happiness, which means something different over each era of my life. I saw a bio on Oprah recently, where her trainer told of a conversation he had with her recently where he asked her the last time she felt happy and her answer was "8 years ago." It's not been 8 years for me, but I was surprised to realize that I haven't felt happy in a very long time. I'm really not sure why. I have let go of my earlier pattern of pinning happiness on the outcome of desires, things that are totally out of my control, and I've made great strides towards enjoying the process of living instead. At least I think I have. Hmmm, could the process of living be described as "treading water" I wonder? Maybe the only thing out of whack in my life are the questions I've been asking.

In the last year, I've had a greater sense of my own pace and patterns, and I've struggled to release myself from some of my own ruts and habits. I've made some great progress, I can feel the difference. Maybe I'm still being tentative about this process, and maybe it is time to really cut loose and take some risks in making changes. I did that today. I've been feeling lately like it is time to change my personal packaging, and feeling that I wanted to cut off my hair. Once I had that feeling, I started enjoying the length of it more, knowing it was going away. I found myself thinking later that cutting it off wasn't necessary, and that I could forget about my repackaging thoughts since the real changes come from within. Do they really? I watch these decorating shows where they paint and make color and structure changes to rooms and the feeling is so different. In my own home I know this is true. Certainly a repackaging of me would set other changes into motion. One change would be the way people react to me, especially people who know me. Wouldn't different feedback from the universe at large be a real change inside me? I've examined so many of these issues and tangents without reaching a conclusion or a decision point. And yet today, sitting in that chair, I told Michael I was ready for a change. Six inches are gone. I don't feel much different, but I do look different. I know the change has been made.

It's ironic that my last entry was about considering moving home, and this one is written from home. Whatever I've been working through these last months, one change is that moving back to Ohio is an option for the first time. One that I would consider. Until now, I've resisted that idea, which is perhaps why this whole issue had to come up for resolution. I don't want to be a person who makes decision based on avoidance. I want to be free to see and consider any option that occurs to me. I don't want to have built walls where options are inaccessible.

I'm also feeling that I miss my prayer pipe. I feel the loss of some of my personal rituals. I've spent much of the last year working on my business and my home, the structures that are powered by me. I am going to spend 2002 on my re-envisioning of myself and my repackaging. Maybe I'll get something like a Bowflex and create the best body I've ever had. I've got enough time to make some gradual changes that can result in significant changes. Real lifestyle changes, not just a quick project. I would love to take that journey of discovering new and renewed reactions to myself, like Barbra Streisand in "Mirror Has Two Faces" and maybe this is my time. I can chisel away at my own marble, uncovering the art that exists in my own person, and enjoy the admiration of the world without losing myself or forgetting who initiated the change in the first place. This sounds like a great plan.

I'm glad I'm here exploring my family and enjoying the holidays with them. But I will be just as glad to return home and see my home structure with fresh eyes, eyes that have been seeing other vistas for so long will see my home in a new way. I trust that some changes will be immediately obvious, and I'll do whatever I see needs to be done. I know what a day of work and a few dollars in tools can do to a space. I'll adjust my space to reflect my inner changes over this time, and to conclude the rich growth of the last year.

Great Spirit, it is I Laughing Crow. I stand here before you, proud of myself, with the confidence that comes from feeling my feet firmly on the ground and feeling the wind blowing around my body. I am part of all I see. My experiences are part of the ever expanding awareness of all that is, and I trust that any experience I choose feeds the whole and enriches my own life. I claim the stake of my heart in the universe, to live a life that is full of joy, surrounded by beauty, and overflowing with abundant grace. I feel the support of all that is for my life expression, and use that feeling to power my own drive for experience without limitations caused by fears of risk that had held me back before. I stand in the center of the clearing, on the edge of the cliff, in the waves of the ocean and feel that all is well in my world. The words that best express my joy is THANK YOU and I offer myself as a vessel for distributing the joy to every corner, every person, every though and every moment. It is so.